Hi Guys, thanks for thinking of me.
I have been off work since last Thursday. I have been sick with a cold or something and it just keeps hanging on. I’m smoking again so that doesn’t help.
I worked on a surprise 80th Birthday party for my mom. She was surprised and we did have a good time. I did an Elvis theme and she loved it. I was exhausted by the time it was all said and done. I haven’t planned a party in years and even though my friend helped me a lot I doubt i’ll do one any time soon.
I had expected my “fwb” to show up to take photos of the family but he didn’t answer my text. Some mutual friends were at the party and told me they had some new but we would talk after the party. I can’t say much but he is in serious trouble and may be deported. He is currently in Federal custody and it doesn’t look good for him. I am grief struck over this. He will loose everything even if he is allowed to stay in the States. I hurt for him, his kids, and his ex who needs him for support and child care. I hurt for myself. While I know in many ways he has held me back from moving on with my life he has always been some one to fall back on, someone I was not ashamed to tell my problems to. The thoughts running through my head run from extreme happiness to extreme hurt. I think maybe this is God’s way of making me face up to things that really are not good things but I refuse to give them up. He should have been out of my life YEARS ago. He’s a liar and a cheater-and so am I. Many might say he’s getting his just desserts-but I think that if i got just what I deserve I would be on the street.
Jen is still not on her feet and I can no longer help her. I know she didn’t make her last 2 car payments and doubt the insurance is paid either. She won’t talk to me about it and I am frustrated.
I am in a very dark place right now. I am still actively gambling. I stop 5-10 days then the urges hit and it’s like I refuse to fight them. I need to call a helpline, go to a meeting, make a confession, I need to do something. I am in financial straights to the point that the credit is almost all gone now too.
I have not slept well sense the news of my friends troubles. I have doubled my Xanax intake to try to sleep through the night. I feel so lonely. I’m off work until Friday which is a blessing and a curse.
I need to do the next right thing but I don’t even know what that is.
Having a bit of a crying jag-all that does is make my noise stuffed up.
My weight is up, my eating uncontrolled and my sugars are not good.
I wish I could lock myself up somewhere and get my stuff together but that’s not even a remote possibly.
I wish I could post on other peoples threads but I feel quite unqualified.
I think I’m going crazy. Wish I had a box of cookies and I’m glad I don’t own a gun.
God grant me the serenity….
bettie
