ok journal, I am here. How strange is this , I had the best day in more months than I care to remember on Thursday, whilst out in the woods, I could see and feel peace, since Thursday I have been gradually sinking lower and lower. Two days now, I have not dressed, not even brushed my hair today, what a mess I am. I feel so tired, so drained and I just want to sleep that is the only state that I can escape to, but then I lie awake at night. It has just become apparent to me, that a part of me is so angry with me that I went out on Thursday loved the sunshine the fresh air, how dare you be at peace even for a few hours, you do not deserve that after all you have done, so it wins yet again and I sink deeper and deeper into my well of despair and hopelessness.
I have so much worry about so many things that I have no control over due to allowing myself to succumb to gambling time and time again, I am not gambling I hope I can stay that way but the truth is I do t think it will make any difference , it’s too late all too late.
