All I can say is … Journaling still works … so I’m gonna keep doing it.
Tonight I’m in reflection over my most common mistakes that lead me into getting trapped in the first place. There’s a part of me that disconnects from and doesn’t trust my senses …. that combines with anticipating. I see something I need to wait for to complete and finish (this is a life thing) and I jump the gun or feel that fear of something not finishing …
My senses give me clearer signals about something and some part of me hops onto another wavelength and says “that won’t happen” (even if it combines with my senses and logical sense) … then I feel irate/an itch to gamble.
I see this with my attitude toward my businesses … I assume something that is very solid/has guaranteed probability will fall short and put my “bet” on it failing … My senses keep telling me and I watch it happen anyway and wonder “why did I bet against myself?”
Gambling truly is a distortion of betting against yourself in the end … if you work a job, get up and do certain things in the morning, etc. you have guaranteed or almost guaranteed outcomes … I feel when I gamble I’m literally filled with doubt and distrust for guaranteed or highly probable outcomes and have this emotional clinging/trust in what is more dicey …
It’s like two waves running simultaneously … this wave that’s telling me the truth internally and another that is this skeptical voice of gambling that wants to take guaranteed outcomes and make them less credible/trustworthy but make random outcomes feel look and see appeasing/appetizing and some how a “better experience” … the emotion and voice in my head sells it to me as such …
selling insanity … “trust randomness!” “there is no order!” …
It feels rooted in chaos itself … chaos and arbitrary/random actions, pulsations, and moves … it’s rooted in chaos and unforeseen … like linking into and hooking into being surprised by the unforeseen … it almost feels like deliberate self blinding too …
Gambling always has this press of pushing things toward the edge … waiting until the last possible minute … like turning ordinary life things into the most climactic part of a movie …
(and then, ironically, being less interested or enthralled by actual stories and movies that have awesome climaxes) …
It’s stealing the spotlight for garbage in return.
The other thing I can say about it is my thoughts tend to cluster around a process of giving into this belief … giving into the idea that this randomness is the way. Mix of emotions and the feeling of being pressured come to mind … Internal pressure and “screw it, such and such will happen anyway” “may as well” “why not?” …
“I’m a gambler anyway” “I’ve been this way so long, may as well just …” … those types of thoughts seem to be hitting in terms of dragging me back into the old. Acquiescence to what was and has been.
But even just my short time on here is proof that I can achieve otherwise … I can be filled with oxygen … I can stop. I can feel all my senses and feelings come back to me in other ways. I can regain my life interests.
The sales pitch of getting excited about random crap is so intense and it’s like a blasting wave inside the brain demanding attention and acquiescense to it … It’s like a silent part of me inside is just standing there taking it … an older shade of how i used to be more … conditioning to be passive … my passive self tends to just stand and follow a more assertive force when it comes to cravings or being driven to things I shouldn’t do … the logic of this “thing” called gambling says “look, you’re asserting yourself by holding onto this big bet!” Which is a lie … I’m letting something else assert itself over me when I do that.
“okay, fine!” … “You can’t say no” …
But I can. I have to admit, I was raised by a father who would inevitably cowtow and submit to my mom and was very much a beta male in every sense of the word … I feel the part of me that “can’t say no” to certain things still would be reflections of that influence of passivity … and assertive stubbornness well … that’s maternal heh.
Those obviously are just influences, but ones worth acknowledging. Part of what I do along side this journey of stripping gambling elements out of my approach to life and business is unwind and deprogram the beta male conditioning I’ve experienced from growing up.
That part of me just wants to wait and wait for things that it knows waiting for won’t do any good … and when it gives into the assertive part that is distorted by the voice of gambling I end up anticipating and rushing into something before it’s ready (which randomizes the outcome as well) …
I’ve had pockets where I don’t do this … pockets which seem to gradually gain space and grow bigger … I can keep expanding those.