So my last bet was in the evening of Match 15th. Today is the 24th. SO today is the start of day 9.
I’ve been reading an interesting debate on these pages about the counting of days. For me, at this early stage, I think it’s important to know I have gone this far without gambling. This is where I usually relapse, as I get cocky. But i feel different this time. I know if I gamble again it will be harder – more intensity, more money, followed by more depression, more self hatred, self loathing. I have no reason to gamble, no one does. It is supposed to be fun, so how it did it become all consuming? How did I let it take away my focus from my dream? Why did I continue to gamble, even though I was hating it when I did it. And the last 6 months I have not enjoyed it at all. It was frustrating, dispiriting and I always left a loser. And even when I finished up I left it in the account to lose and then redeposit later. And the lies – the having to keep a face, the time spent thinking about playing even when I wasn’t playing. The amounts of times I said, this is the last deposit. The last time I played. I would stop for a week or 2 and then feel better. But because no one knew, it was easy to say this time will be different.
I had so many chances to stop in the past, i have to realise this is a new one. there is only the present, right now. i need to make serious changes in my life and stopping gambling is the easiest. That is the root of my depression, I wish I had seen that before. But the results of my obsession to play are all around me. I am ruining the life of my wife, doing the family’s heads in, I have ruined trust and possibly ruined my future. That remains to be seen. There is so much I don’t know, that I need advice on.
My debt, my business, what happens to our IP, what will I do for a living? Will I be able to find a job I enjoy and which I can progress in, or will I have o do something more menial (and I don’t mean that in a bad way) just to earn money. Or will this be a new chapter in my life, something that I had to do to learn and grow as a human being. Something I will be able to look back on with acceptance, from a place of happiness, so I can process it properly.
At the moment all I do is think about my gambling. I know I will never have the big win to solve my financial worries, that’s gambling think.
I don’t think I realised how much energy i put into gambling, instead of putting my energy into other things. now I feel flat because it is clear. I have made a big mistake by not admitting my problem sooner. i am a compulsive gambler, and when i start i just can’t stop up or down. and now I notice bookies as i have no access online. i have started to think about casino’s and poker clubs. i think i have a self destructive edge which i need to work on. why don’t i want myself to be happy?
the only person not allowing me to be happy is myself – why?
what drove me to continue to find ways of playing poker, even though i knew i had a problem. and i did know. why didn’t i stay stopped when i had 3 weeks away from it while on holiday over christmas. why did it spiral really badly this year?
I hope to be able to answer these questions in time, but for now, living my life day by day and not gambling is the focus. in time i am sure i will think about it less and less.
any advice from people who have been quit for a long time would be welcome. i find these forums amazing, and as long as i stay here and read people’s success stories i know that can be true for me.
thanks