Hi Vera
Thanks for checking in. Was trying to keep myself busy at the weekend. Today is the start of day 8. The time seems to go so slowly and I am so warcked with unpleasant feelings of myself of why I did it. This time last year I had everything – a big project, a young son. Everyone thought I had stopped gambling. The truth is I was still playing, low stakes poker. I wasn’t winning or losing much, but I was losing time. Slowly, the obsession returned and i was spending more time, chasing small lossing playing on bigger tables I didn’t have the skills for. And then I was getting to work late, having long lunches, leaving early. The project started to suffer in the sense that the person leading it was only half there. As a result we are still finishing the paperwork. Gambling made me so lazy with my life – all I wanted to do was play poker. I couldn’t see how unhappy it was making me.
I am running out of time. Stopping gambling isn’t enough, as they say in GA. I need to change my life in so many ways, I need to close so many doors for new ones to open.
My self esteem is still really low, 8 days is not a long time.
I can’t gamble at the moment as I have no access to funds or websites, and I do not want to. Mentally I can’t face it – I have to face up to the wreckage of my life. And start to fix it – but all I want to do is sleep.
I am very saddened to read of people’s lapses, and my heart goes out to you. I read a new post today who had won 28K at one point, and then lost it all and more It saddened me. I never won amounts like that, and part of me, the addicted part, says that shows it is possible. That if I won 28K I would stop – but how much would I have to lose to win that much. Can I afford that? How long would it take? HOw much more damage to myself would that do? The answers are all negative – gambling will not solve any of my problems.
Living my life will solve my problems, one day at a time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the past and what I have done)
The courage to change the things I can (my life going forwards and how I cope with adversity and the shit I have created)
And the wisdom to know the different.
Just for today, I will not gamble.