Spent some of the day hanging around at my fathers house. He was in the District hospital due to get some “tests” on his throat. In the end he was not fit enough for the anesthesia so we got the call to pick him up. He I and no doubt the rest of the family were relieved in some way because he is due to fly abroad for Christmas to be with his Family in Italy. I am glad he has this chance rather than being in pain in some hospital. What will be next month when he returns will be. Got me thinking about living in the moment. Living even an hour at a time.
I think of taking my life many times. My depression is a part of me. It defines me as a person as to where I am at right now. It hunts me down and follows me through my every waking hour. At times I have zero strength to fight its continual and never ending advance. But I can press pause I am learning that. Pause to drink a glass of coke. Pause to watch a movie. Pause to eat some food even if my stomach is in bits. It returns … always along with those thoughts about entering the terminal sleep. But for this week I have bought myself time. I stop what I am doing and switch of my brain. Movies can be a great escape from the wretched reality’s of life. I know all the feelings and sense of hopelessness will be there when I stop fighting but taking things 1 moment from the next sometimes can buy us time.
This for now is the truth of where I am and who I am.