Lizbeth, Charles and Kin, thank you for your ongoing support it means a great deal to me.
I know I am a compulsive gambler and I know if I dont fight hard at overcoming this addiction I will end up dead pretty soon, that is a fact I know, I feel it and I sense it breathing down my neck, it is like a uncontrollable force that I cannot contain, recently I have lost the plot, 3 years ago I was in a great mind set, hated gambling and what it had turned me into and worked very hard at staying gamble free but really enjoyed my life also and enjoyed staying clean!!!! now I just can’t seem to stay gamble free for more than a week!!!!
I hate the person I have become, I am slowly pushing my wife and children further away from me after working so very hard to get them so very close to me and back in my life, I wright this now and I have tears in my eyes………..I hate the person I am when I gamble and I hate that gambling turns me into a totally different person, I am 40 in 2 months time and although most days I am strong at the moment I feel totally weak, my wife hates me, my children wonder who I am but more importantly I dont know who I am anymore and I am at a total loss in life.
I know I am the only one who can change me but I am struggling so much in life at the moment and in truth I am holding on by a thread, I am in despair yet again, distraught, in truth not sure what way to turn and who to look to for help and support.
As a compulsive gambler who has been in and out of recovery for many years I have exhausted very avenue (basically meaning I have lied, cheated, stole, promised and begged that I would change), why would people believe or help me…….in all honesty I wouldn’t help myself because I am a lying, cheating, hurtful, malicious, callous, thieving, manipulating and hateful person……………………
I dont wright this for sympathy…..I wright this purely for myself and to let everyone know the true person I really am, this is the honest truth and I am not proud of that I am, but as God is my witness I swear to God I will change my ways and become a better man.
Thanks for listening and wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your life.
“just for today I am one of the worst people in the world but in all honesty it is not a place I am proud to be in”
The only good thing about today is I took my dad fishing (he is getting on in years, not great health and has had a few strokes over the last couple of years), in truth this morning we had a great time and caught a hatful……he was well pleased (even that wasn’t enough to stop me gambling this afternoon!!!!)
My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was today 11th September 2016……………………..I cannot change what I have done but I can change the present and the future.
Take care all and please always stay strong, this addiction kills us one day at a time but only if we let it.
Maverick