Dear mermaid,
I am going to share some of my experience. I would like to think it will help you…it certainly helps me to write it and try to make sense of it for myself.
Like you, I read everything I could about gambling addiction..even academic journals. I spent hours reading forums , asking others thoughts and opinions looking really for somebody to give me the answer . Of course nobody can do that and everyone’s situation is unique. As you say it is not black and white , it’s a whole mass of misty grey whilst you are in it.
I can only talk about my situation and I can’t suggest it will be the same for you but I can empathise and share some of my experience. I enabled for years.(25+) not always directly but by never letting my husband hit rock bottom. I recognised that there were psychological roots to the gambling and tried to help but he never really sought help for himself and when I think about it now I don’t think he really wanted to give up his thrill. He said all the right things, showed remorse, offered financial control etc etc but they were just words and sometimes tears. Very convincing words and I think he believed himself at the time but just words. They were not backed up with consistent action. It was reasonable to give him a chance maybe 2 chances even 3 but I got into the 100s of chances! And I mean many many chances after major gambling binges …..£1000s time and time again. Friends and family were staggered that I would go on forgiving and to be honest looking back now I too am staggered by my inability to make a stand. Who was that woman?
If you have any doubt about the wisdom of enabling or clearing debts etc post your question on the forum. The best people to answer you are the compulsive gamblers themselves. They can see straight through everything . They know every ploy/trick in the book and even though, like me you do not want to see your partner as manipulating you and they don’t consciously see it as that they become very clever at saying what they need to say to let their addiction survive.
I am coming out of the fog and sadly that has meant divorce for me and my CG. I still struggle to express all the complexities of my situation but something changed for me. It’s hard to explain exactly what but after all the searching for understanding and answers and ways to help I just recognised eventually that I could not do anything more for him and why did I still consider it to be my responsibility after all my efforts had failed ?
I very clearly began to see what everyone had been telling me and that was that I had to look after myself first. I would hear the words and understand the rationale but not ‘feel’ it if you know what I mean. It was as though I understood the logic of what people told me but I couldn’t live it for some reason. I had that ‘paralysis by analysis’ thing where I had thought about something so much I couldn’t act. All I could do was churn it over and over. I looked at it from every angle and in every light and still felt stuck. I can see something of that in your description of yourself.
I can’t remember who said it and how they said it…..probably velvet and it was something along the lines of its ok to hover for a while letting everything sink in. So I hovered and hovered and all the time I was hovering my situation with the CG was getting worse. Then a few things happened at once. I accessed some counselling. I got a new job that made me a bit more independent. My youngest child left school. My husbands behaviour became more extreme. One day a dear friend of mine came to stay and I poured my heart out for the umpteenth time as we went for a walk. We passed a solicitors and she pushed me through the door and made an appointment and then returned with me a week later to make sure I went and supported me through what was the first big step ( after many baby steps and lots of hovering here) towards me finally taking control of my life and protecting myself and my children from the terrible effects of my husbands gambling.
I will still say that that first visit was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it was a turning point. A major turning point I could physically feel the difference. I was living and acting from within myself. I felt fearful but brave at the same time. I wish I could explain this better. It was like I had taken control of the steering wheel not just been the back seat passenger muttering away. It was like all the researching and thinking and talking finally all came together into that one action. That one action set the ball rolling which from then on seemed almost effortless and certain. I had a clear direction to go in.
That analogy of the aeroplane mask is very good where they tell you to put your own mask on first before helping your child. What good could I be to anyone if I was drowning too.
So I’m nearly at the end of the process of making myself immune from the effects of my husbands gambling. My relationship with him does not depend on me being married to him. It was too big a risk for me. His life is his responsibility. I did my best but I am not going to sink with him. My first responsibility is to myself. I now think my own thoughts, live my life to my own values, control my own finances. As I have taken this action I have had a wave of support from people that has carried me through. The children, who had been a big factor in me hesitating were able to express their relief. They probably hadn’t consciously registered it but they had been waiting for me to take this lead for us all. I finally made a stand and whilst I will still say it was the hardest thing ever I do look back and think why did I wait so long? I could have saved a lot of pain and debt but I know not to look back into the mist just forward.
So mermaid. I am not saying divorce is the answer for you but taking a firm stance is. It’s the only way out of the fog. If I hadn’t I would still be hearing some variation of the ‘help me out just one more time’ tale. I even think I have done the best thing for my nearly ex husband. He might well find someone else to lean on but if not then he has to come face to face with himself and do what he has to do to recover.
I can help if I want but from my wonderful peaceful sanctuary of safety.
Love, empathy and understanding
Jilly
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