Thank you both velvet and vera for answering my post.
I have had a few difficult days and dont know what to do. My 13 year old daughter was off school with tummy ache on Thursday (11 feb) and I got a call from her, very upset , at my work. (I am so glad I have understanding employers).
She said there were 2 men in suits banging on the door and then looking in the window. She was scared and was hiding behind the door. She said she didn’t know who they were so she took a photo of them on her phone and of the car they were driving (clever) but she was really shaken up, Then an hour later she said another man came to the door and was also chapping but she ignored this as she was on her own and didn’t know who it was.She also said the men were going round all the neighbours asking them questions.
My 2 neighbours called me and said they were being asked questions about my ex husband. one said they didn’t know him and the other said i asked him to leave in august.
I felt anger, embarrassment and shame but i also told them my ex is a cg. I guessed the men were debt collectors.
After reassuring my daughter, I came home. There were 2 letters. One from a debt agency and the other from sheriff officers. I broke down in tears and phoned my mum. I am a grown woman yet I was so upset again and his addiction still in our lives.
I did nothing else with the letters. One if for unpaid parking fines.
The next day I called the debt agency and said my ex was no longer living with me, that he is a cg and that i am trying to recover so don;t need any further distress. The woman said there was a lawyer looking to serve papers on my ex but she would advise them I had called. I did not give them my ex’s address.
Then I call the sheriff officers. I leave a message asking them to call me back. Again I am doing this whilst I am work.
I don’t know what to say? Do I tell them my ex’s address? or not? He needs to face up to the consequences of his actions but I am worried he will know I have told them where he stays so what will he do next? Use this against me and make sure I definitely get no consent to take our daughter away.
I can’t believe I am so blurred again in my thinking. I don’t want any more sheriff officers coming to my door. I have not done anything wrong. He has not registered his car at his new address so the dvla still have my address. That is why I know he stole petrol 5 weeks ago, has no road tax (why because he is working apparently) and also now has a parking fine., which has now got costs of sheriff officers added to it. Did he think that the debts were just going to go away, that he is invisible and the companies will just forget about the thousands and thousands owed to them (my last count of his debt was £60.000
I feel stressed again. I haven’t told his parents anything. I haven’t spoke to the sheriff officers yet as I really don’t know what to say. To tell the truth of where he is staying or not?If I dont, I am then covering for him, I don’t want that either.
I know he is still gambling. A few nights ago he liked virgin games online and this is a gambling site. He posted on social media that he liked this. He should not even be looking at sites/games if he is in recovery so I question if he is. He is also still being the victim and I have done well not to have texts/calls with him lately. Even though I have been tempted, I have called friends first.
My son also had been keeping a secret from me as he told me he has been throwing all his letters in the bin before I get home from work, He said he didn’t want me to be stressed. My poor son, keeping all that to himself. Another effect of his addiction affecting my family.
I reassure my son that he is not in the wrong but I would rather deal with the letters than ignoring them. So putting on ‘not known at this address’ would be better than them going in the bin and then more debt collectors turning up at my door.
I also find myself feeling like a fool again as I think about when I met my husband and the signs were there. I didn’t realise it but he has just been to the bookies with his pals and had a big win, when I went to his house it was quite bare with the minimum furniture and I remember he never had any food. Not even a bag of frozen chips (as I remember being a little drunk one night and asked if he would make me chips and cheese. I wouldn’t believe him when he said he had no food so I checked his fridge and true, it was empty) His excuse was he lived on take away. I believed him.
Then he had rent arrears and also lost his job. Told me he got paid off as there was not enough work. He got sacked for never being there. Oh I believed that lie too.
There was another time I gave him £50 for food . I was a single mum to 2 kids at this time so £50 was a lot. He gambled it. Another sign but I was naive. I didn’t realise.
His parents and him told me at a much later date that he was a cg but only when he stole 10 grand from me. He had tried GA 15 years ago and now it feels like nothing has really changed. Other than he maybe managed a few years as he met me, moved into my house, was a great caring guy and took on my 2 children who were only 3 and 4 at the time and I had no knowledge of him gambling. 6 years together and a daughter of our own and then boom, my world crashes when he steals off me and who knows if this was the first time. How could he have been absent from gambling for 6 years with no ga support? How did he manage this if he is a CG? oh I am asking questions again. Is it because he choose not to.?
Gambling or your wife and kids – he choose gambling.
Some days it is hard to get over that.
One of my friends sent me a quote. ” You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one”.
I can’t change the past, only what I do now.
I just have a feeling there are more worries to face.
I need to keep posting, I have lost a wee bit of me again and yes Vera, I do need to keep strong. It is just so hard when the reminders are still there. and the knocks are at MY door.
If he was thinking about us in any way and properly in recovery then he would be sorting out his mess, that is why I am almost 99% sure that he is still a gambling man. No CSA money, no responsibility, his parents supporting him with his wages whilst he keeps his cash in hand job, delivering chinese. and no remorse. He really has lost it all but will never realise it whilst the addiction and beast is still alive.
Thank you velvet for helping me understand that.
Perhaps you can provide your thoughts, and anyone elses too, on what I say next to the sheriff officers as I really do feel stuck.
Thank you.
Still emotional at times but getting there. And a more positive quote to finish on –
“I am a strong woman. I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, nor let people mistreat me. i don’t respond to people who dictate to me or try to bring me down. If I fall I will rise up even stronger because I am a survivor and not a victim. I am in control of my life and there is nothing I can’t achieve”. I have to keep reminding myself that I can keep doing this. his addiction can’t affect us forever or continue to bring us down.