So had an awful day today. Really struggling with anxiety, depression, the feeling of hopelessness at the totally hideous sitiation I have created. And it is all my fault. The fact that I have lost another 5 weeks becasue of gambling (getting caught, losing money, the feelings of shame this has brought) is not making it easier. My mind is a horror movie at the moment, tormeting me, stopping me from progressing. I am totally swamped and I cannot see a way out – all I see is misery. I am glad I stopped gabling, but I realise now the relapses were because I wanted to escape from these feelings. I know that to gamble risks everything, and the truth is I can;t if I wanted – but the urge to blot everything out woith a gambling session is overwheling. The fact that I can;t makes it worse.
Just doing some research I found this
http://www.alternet.org/how-gambling-can-kill-you-faster-drug-abuse-or-alcoholism
I am sure I can get through this, but I am so scared by what is on the other side. I think it;s because I have to accept myself as a failure, as that is what I am. No career, business gone, wife gone soon, depressed, moaning, whining etc etc. I am the most shit person in the world. And I cannot shake this.
I am not sure that the pills are working, they may me making me worse. Although I had already lapsed when I started taking the pills, my gambling urges seemed to come on stronger after upping the dose. Is there a link? I am seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss it.
I need ot think positively again, but all I feel is a sense of despair, that I am lost forever and there is no way out. I try to let the thoughts pass but they are lodged.
i see so many great stroies here it makes my heart swell, and I think why can;t I be one of them.
Lots of love from the bottomless pit
Mav