Dear diary
My suffering was self-inflicted.
I had a strong desire for money that I do not have, and when I do not get it, I become anxious and stress.
“It was actually not important for me to have this money at all ” and I can live without.
Old ways mean finding more money for the purpose of gambling.
Many time after I won, the big winning was always never enough to stop and I always wanted to gamble to win some more.
Many time after I lost, I need more money immediately to gamble some more to repair the damage.
Many time after I lost a big sum of money in a single bet, I will become very angry, impatient, impulsive and will bet everything I had to chase the loss.
The emotions I experience over long hours of gambling can also be very draining and tiring, so much that I wanted to cut short this suffering and bet everything in a single bet.
Many times after I lost everything, I will be shock and disappointed with myself that I actually allow the same thing to happen again.
I never understand how I could allow my winning to turn into losses and I can never understand how I could be so stupid to borrow some more money to gamble and get into debt after losing what I have.
The winning when they do come are not hard earned money.
Winnings are quick money that I do not have to work hard for many months to have them.
I do not want to wait many months and I do not wish to work hard for the money.
Gambling can take long hours, it can be mentally very taxing, exhausting and tiring, when that happen, it was so easy to lose all self-control.
I will not have these problem and troubles if I did not gamble. These suffering and pain are all self-inflicted.
