It feels like each day I feel this sadness kind of deeper … too deep to be frank. It feels so unhelpful …
I’ve been feeling aching feelings of wanting to get out of it … and it just hits me deeper … nothing particularly tragic is happening … but those feelings of darkness and slow moving thoughts and body are just so intense now …
I feel like I’m moving underwater or in a tank full of a thick oily substance in my emotional energy field … it’s an un-numbed thing … life feels superficial and untrustworthy …
I feel anger too … this feelings are cuing me to bet … and once again I feel the need to do the same thing and re-do what I do in response to the feelings … I feel irate/sour about old losses and just total negative expectancy about the future …
It’s definitely a case where “pausing to address” the feelings feels like feeding a monster that wants to take me somewhere worse … there’s always a context, and in this case the context def seems to be emotions feeding themselves through inaction/random jumping around in memories trying to solve them.
I think what I’m feeling is a breakdown from my connection with the idea of routine … stopping every day means stopping every day … working every day means working every day … i have this deep irritation/resistance from truly making that every day … most of the time sure why not… but to the every day commitment I feel my own resentment and spite …
There are two forms of these emotions … ones that require a pause to stop and address before continuing, and ones that use pauses to dig deeper and spread themselves more into my being … in this case I feel it’s the latter and it’s best to just use this entry as a springboard to get out of my head and on with my day.