I had an amazing weekend … as anticipated when markets opened I checked them … I delayed and had less of a pull/push to check them. I did once again place 2 trades (no standing loss/result now) but with much less risk than in the past. I’ve shut it away and am gearing my mind back to moving away from it.
I feel I’m moving in layers here and delaying how much time it is before i look, not checking prices at all, and pushing myself to guard my risk so when my impulse hits i’m risking less … I am 3 camps divided inside: 1. Bet huge bet often (this is the one I’m noticing the biggest reduction in over time, and boost to reduce since coming here). 2. Reduce risk and bet reasonably at good times only (the desire for this is strong and hard to shut off. I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a strong part of me that wants to strongly reduce my exposure to anything beyond reasonable risk at good times by treating all of it as gambling and pulling hard away from it/talking out my layers behind my actions. 3. Stop trading all together. In context of temporarily, this desire is strong. In context of forever, realistically it is a weaker desire than no. 2 mentioned above. My desire to reduce my risk and not make any moves that qualify as gamble moves is outpacing my desire to stop forever … maybe that’s part of getting tripped up … the word “forever” …
I remember in 2014 being one of very few who predicted a large rally into the US dollar coming forth soon — I started leveraging big on it, at first lost one or two thousand … then i took a stake of 3,000 and ended up betting it all the way up to 50k and a peak of 104k selling the NZD/USD … I was on the right side and had made the correct prediction, but kept compulsively jumping in and out+doubting myself. I experienced extreme emotions, and never withdrew any of the money until it was brought all the way back down to where I started and a bit below. My first run up was in gold and silver in 2011 when they went into bubble phase … i bid an account up to 20k then all the way back down …back in those days I was just buying as much as possible as price moved favorably … what I do today is much less risky and less gambling but still full of compulsive pushes and pulls that are far from fully gone out of my life.
There was always a tremendous sense of urgency/fear of missing something behind those actions … even today I feel that pushing sense of urgency … urgency is the language of gambling … a tremendous feeling of being left behind by everyone and everything and needing to have a lot of money to keep up … needing to hold a lot of it to feel like I’m even remotely on pace with any one … the irony is that in expression of gamble bets/spread betting/overtrading I end up feeling more behind, detached from, separated from, emotionally distanced from, and away from the world and those people i initially bet to keep up with.
So that feeling of being behind others is a constant … no matter where i am or how far ahead i get with anything in my life i always have this feeling of being behind … like this person way way way behind it all in the dark … my mind moves faster than my body in terms of this (spread betting/trading) and much slower than my body in all the other areas of my life …
I’m following through with my commitment to read inspirational quotes to guard myself against risky behavior/protect myself from risk … while I do see results I also see and feel myself feeling inferior, weaker, falling behind in my measurement of money.
I guess that’s how I feel about myself and money in the first place … no matter how much I have I feel like I’m behind or moving like a snail … i feel envy and separation looking at others regardless of how much money they have or don’t …
I know that I have enough and will have enough to get what I need in the future … the need feels strongest emotionally in terms of needing to feel like I’m not behind … but it’s a see saw effect … on one hand I feel behind in terms of how much money I have (or don’t have) and that I’m not keeping up … on the other hand I feel behind when I overleverage even when I win a lot because even then I feel in the back of my mind “I’m not doing this the right way — I’m behind in using the correct approach or stopping” … the see saw can be mentally poignant at times and draining … back and forth … I feel like this is one reason for pulsing in and out of trades when there is no reason to or always feeling like I’m doing something wrong whether I’m betting big, small, or not at all.
There is an undercurrent feeling of being a massively slow person/learner/financial achiever etc. … no one I know would consider me “massively slow”, but it’s how I perceive myself and feel inside … a feeling that everything about me should be better and faster than it is … so i burn and push and push on myself then get tired … burning push and deep fatigue after burn out … i’ve run that cycle many times before.
I feel I’m disconnected from working with my body/biological material/brain, personality, and learning pace with where it is in a more harmonious manner … some times I feel like a pushy person toward myself … this has gotten better/relaxed over time … but that pushiness toward self when too far ends up spilling over and becoming an edginess with others as well. Passive aggressive expressions … and shame underneath … self aggression feeds shame … shame feeds indifference … indifference creates weaker results … weaker results feed stronger self aggression … it’s a vicious cycle of emotional states feeding each other in a loop … like a negative emotional triangle …
I’m suspect that these combination triangles/loops are the fuel behind a lot of disorders/compulsive issues. There’s no one emotion that causes it all, nor one trigger. The triggers and emotions activate each other and start a loop of fire that spins hotter and faster and depend on each other’s activities to keep it fueling … I think in the past I’ve gotten caught up in trying to only reduce one … tonight I’ll put my mind on reducing all three at the same time … self aggression, shame, indifference. It feels like the deepest negative emotional loops tend to the ones most deeplys subconsciously lodged/dodgy and avoidant …
That paralysis comes back and the feeling of not being able to move … once again I remind myself that the feelings of having no choice/not being able to move come from the voice of compulsion/the layers within and underneath it.
I haven’t found a core enough desire underneath that to fully stop yet … but my desires above that to slow down/pull the plug sooner and risk less are so far being met … I realize this is a slippery slope and i’m nobody special. My emotions are mixed in a blender about it … I feel two fears … one of them is failing to achieve my financial goals, and the other is the fear of loss … these fears play tug of war with each other in jolty back and forth movements … and seem to be another undercurrent influence of moving in and out/on and off the fence of things.
For now I recognize improvement and take heed to the dangers ahead … the past few days have been bliss like … the joy I’ve felt has been incredible. Even now that joy and strength is there inside me underneath that pile of emotional gunk I just typed up.
It’s been a productive day, and I still have more to do tonight to fill my passions up/further pull me away from the screens.
Once again I feel weight lifted off my chest … how did i get through all those years carrying this weight …
Time to get to it