I don’t gamble online – tried it once but didn’t get the same thrill or whatever it is I’m seeking. I go to Indian casino’s. And I had banned/excluded myself 2 times in the past, currently am excluded right now through June. However, that doesn’t stop me, obviously. I don’t go to the real local one in town here, but there’s one that is 20 minutes away that I still go to and never get caught even though I’m on their exclusion list… risky as all hell, I know. But knowing I haven’t got caught in the past keeps me going.
What triggers me? Boredom. #1 thing. It’s the only hobby (for lack of a better word) I have – since I started going consistently it’s the only thing that gives me a thrill. Sometimes I have to just go to sleep to stop the urge. My boyfriend suggests many other things to do but I don’t want to do them when I’m “in it”… so sleep helps stop it. But I need more than that to stop it, because obviously it hasn’t worked.
My family knows all about it. And my dad just thinks I’m nuts and it should just be cut and dry – just quit, just stop. He loves me, but he doesn’t understand it. My mom passed away not long after I confessed to her I could tell I had a problem. This was when it wasn’t nearly as bad as it is now. She understood the irrationality of addiction, she was a nurse, so she was comforting and there for me. Still didn’t understand it like someone going through it, but she was a lot more willing to listen and not roll her eyes at me like my dad. My sister and her boyfriend know all about it and finally just got to the point of not wanting to hear about it anymore. They know the damage it is doing to me, they don’t understand this addiction, but my sister is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but she doesn’t understand the psychological part of this type of addiction. It isn’t physical – it’s all in the mind. The last time I reached out after a gambling binge she and her boyfriend basically came back and told me that if I don’t reach out beforehand to try and stop going, don’t tell them after because they don’t want to hear it. So, they’ve had enough – as have I.
I use cash to gamble. Used to use credit cards, but luckily my cash limit on them is low so haven’t used them in over a year. Doesn’t help I declared bankruptcy for reasons besides this, but then my credit card debt was wiped away, too. So, it was like a fresh start, but here I sit with over $1,000 in credit card debt again. Even though the cash limit is low, I’d use up my money and then use credit card for everyday expenses when I shouldn’t have been. That has also lessened quite a bit.
So, I don’t really know what strategies I could use to control my finances. Besides start with asking my sister if she would be willing to monitor my online account so she can check for when I withdraw large amounts of money. Then again, my addict would come up with other ways I’m sure. Sneaky son of a bitch.
Sounds like you have a plan in place. A good one, too. And that you’re making progress. Good for you!
And I’ve felt the way it feels to be gamble-free for over 30 days and the way it felt to have $ to spend on other things – enjoyable things. It feels amazing. But the addict is stronger than that feeling, so that’s where the struggle is.
I’ve decided I’m going to really start being healthy in the physical sense too – I love walking and feel so much better when I’m healthier. So, today I am starting that again too. I’m obese and have a binge eating disorder, too. So, that’s something I’m working on with my therapist, too.
Lot of things I typed out there – but for today I’ve come up with the following as a plan:
-Use Online forums – read and write
-Go back to GA (work up courage)
-Live healthier – eating and being active
-Journal
-Hobbies – try a new one each week – for a 1/2 hour