Dear diary
Something is very not right in my life right now. I cannot explain my many behaviors over the last 12 months or so. It is growing in strength and becoming more and more powerful, slowly and progressively threatening to send me into another new rock bottom.
Firstly, I can understand that my job is not everything in my life. My family and love ones is more important than my job. Secondly, I don’t need to drink to drown any sorrow. Life is good. I am grateful and contented. Thirdly, I don’t need to gamble for more money.
But after 5 months on the new job, I am very sure I was slowly rotting away. The new job was the source of my stress and fear in my life. I become anxious and restless from the stress at work, I am losing the peace I had and not able to rest and sleep early, soon I was using alcohol again. I become anxious and impatient, I wish to clear my debt earlier, soon I was gambling from time to time.
I didn’t know what was happening.
Until…
I chatted with someone I was helping from time to time.
I started my conversation telling the other person that I was facing a recovery crisis.
I went on to talk about leaving all the groups that kept me safe and turning to all the things that got me into trouble.
I left a very strong recovering community because what the pastor told me surprise me one day, he felt that I was an attention seeker. Maybe he felt that I was not giving all the glory and victory to God, maybe he didn’t welcome me in the group anymore. I was not an attention seeker, I do not agree with him. I decided to leave the group in December 2016.
I left another Christian support group much earlier because a few mature Christian volunteers who are not recovering person question and challenge me why I was not baptized. I was angry why did they suddenly attack me in a group. I took it very personal. They care more about me whether I get baptize more than what is happening in my life. I decided to leave this group way before 2016.
I just left another anonymous support group whatsapp chat group because I didn’t like behaviors of 2 person in the group, I can tell that they are playing mind game and trying to take control. I don’t blame them. I felt that they are more sick and needed the group more than me, I choose to walk away.
Everything points to one thing. As I am learning new things. I was throwing away all the things that has kept me safe in recovery and taking in all the old familiar things that have got me into trouble etc. job, gambling and alcohol.
I just need to chat with someone now and message a friend, I reveal and share the above to the person.
My friend replied to me: “Remember it is never on our terms but always on God’s term.”
This message strike me like lightning. It exposes a big blind spot I had.
WHEN THINGS DID NOT TURN OUT ACCORDING TO MY TERMS, I WILL TURN TO MY WAYS AND MY TERM. This has got me into all kind of troubles and wipe out everything I had.
My friend encourages me to talk to God.
I took a screenshot of my update today and save it in my phone, the part about not seeking our terms but one from a Higher Power. I hope that I will remember to look at the message again and again everyday when I forget about it completely.