i have reached to the day 189 free of gambling then I relapsed.
the relapse period was 4 days i have convinced my self to stop in the 3rd day and i have stopped but in the 4th day i start over chasing my losses.
day one was a win: doubled my account, i withdraw the capital and a small profit on the top of it, and kept 500$ which is a profit to trade with,
day#2 as usual, lost the 500$, and re-deposited my capital and lost it, and add more on the top of that and i lost it as well.
it was a relief ( yes it was), for two days i was not able to focus at all i was monitoring the market on the laptop on the smart phone all the time and every where at work while driving, in the meetings.., i was anxtious during that period, so it was a relief that this is over and i will back to my life again ( I really think this is a mechanisem that the mind is using to release the stress, i was doing a rational trades in the first day, but starting from day 2 it went wrong) i have noticed this before in previous relapses.
day#3 was off
day#4 I squeezed my budget and find a 135$ that i can trade with , i putted in the trading account ( it went up and down ) the end i lost another 80 $.
today the market is off for two days it is a chance to recover, to close every thing and rebuild the road blockers.
the relapse didn’t hearts me much like the previous relapse, becasue it was a controlled ( the control was the extra money that i kept with me 1000$) i went and 80$ beyound that.
as a conclusion
1: it seems this addiction is like a permanent illness i have to live with it for the rest of my life ( some people have high plod pressure , or diabetes , and i have this addiction) so i have to deal with it.
2: i should not reduce the road blockers, i have reduced the road blockers to let my self to feel normal again ( but the reality is that I am not normal) this part of me is broken i can’t control my self. so i will not reduce the road blockers this time.
this a new start, it is part of recovery.