Charlster
Great, honest post. I was at GA last night talking to people about recovery. SOmeone described recovery to me as a chronic state of relapse. I said to him that sounded negative and he explained that when someone who has a chronic gambling addiction makes the effort to stop, it is diffocult to stop all at once. People goes 2,3 maybe weeks, then gamble. Then hate themslves, but they gain knowledge of that. Their feelings, why they did it. Then they go longer and might, at some point, lapse again. There is more self knowledge now, and there are longer periods of absintance. Then there is another stopping – eventually the gaps get longer, we gain more knowlege, our brains return to normal.
I am dealing with lots of conflicting emotions but now my wife is starting to feel things – pain, fear for her future our son. I have created a very negative situation in our lives because I couldn’t do something as simple as stopping gambling and getting my life in order to support her. My gambling ahs been papering over many cracks in my psyche I didn’t want to deal with. Now I know I want to deal with them, despite the pain. I am desperate for recovery and all that entails. I am only on day 22, but taking into account my last maps this would be day 40. I take great heart from that. Normally I pretend I have stopped gambling but I get better at gambling even more secretly – that plays havoc on my mental state. This time it’s true. I can’t say I will never gamble again but I know that today I will not gamble. That means I can focus on getting so much stuff done. I am not sure I have the time to do it, but I just need to make every day count.
I can’t imagine what it is like to have lived with this for as long as you have. I have only been a CG for 3 years but I have damaged myself and my life for so long. If I stop now I have a chance of being in a much better place in 6 months, 1 year and onwards. I don’t want my son to grow up knowing his dad is a gambler and all that entails. I am learning from the experience of longer term gamblers on this site and how it affected their relationships and it makes my heart weep in sadness.
I am so happy you have stayed because this last lapse of yours will give you more tools. The fact you talk about it here, express it, get feedback. That’s probably new for you. You’ll go to GA when you’re ready and you’ll wish you had gone sooner.
Something I hear a lot at the moment. You are where you are meant to be. You have support here, people who love you though they don’t know you. People who genuinely want you to get better and lead a life without gambling. A life without the urge to gamble, or need to gamble, without that level of guilt, shame – the thought how how to get money just to live.
I am ready to put this behind me because I see how much lower I could fall. I am nowhere near the actual rock bottom of my life, but I have hit several personal rock bottoms, sometimes one after another.
Stick around, you have my love and support old bean. And don’t forget about GMA if all else fails.
Have a great day. Just for today… I will not gamble.