Hi guys,
At the suggestion of cooler heads than mine ( thanks cathie!) I called my dr to make an appointment. They told me they couldn’t get me in until January! I told the recptionist that I wanted a mental health referral, not that i needed it for insurance, just that I wanted to get his opinion. She asked for my cell number. They called back in less than an hour, "Dr wants to see you, how is Tuesday?"
So appointment is made. Now I just have to fess up to whats going on. He doesn’t know about the CG, I canceled my last two appointments, in hindsight, to avoid this converstation.
Since I don’t go to the casino I have no where to escape to so the time is right to face these demons head first, instead of just banging my head against a wall. I’ve cried until I had no tears left. I hurt until I self medicate, to make my head shut up long enough so I can sleep. I put on a happy face, try to be every thing for everyone, and I’m dying inside.
The "landlord" called today. I was in fairly good spirits until that call. Making small talk. Feeling me out. Waiting for an invitation to my place.
Not this time. Never again.
I am getting past the anger. I have to because it eats me up, but I will never forgive whats he’s done. I wish I could just stay angry but I’m grieving the loss of the friendship, the closeness, and the fact we will never be together again ( we did have some amazing times together and he was the one who got me started loosing weight, and cared about me when I felt no one did) but I have to maintain a professional "front", 1 for my job, 2 for my daughter. I don’t want him to direct his anger at me with her.
She loves that stupid house! lol!
bettie
