Originally posted by paul315
Bettie, as you know one of the charistics of a compulsive gambler is found in the GA combo book, "there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves", another charismatic of a CG is "INABILITY AND UNWILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT REALITY. Hence the escape into the dream world of gambling".
"you can not separate doing good at staying gambling free and doing good at living, gambling will more than likely win out if the field is divided."
You know Larry you don’t have to be so right! It’s funny, I read those words every week and they go right over my head. Whenever I read "Inability and Unwillingness to accept reality" i never understood how that applied to MY life. I guess that begs the next question, how does one become able and willing to accept reality? I find reality so painful it is unbearable, hence the "escape".
I have tried to seperate my gamble-free life from the drama filled secret life I still live. I see now what a big mistake that has been, even though it’s not been a secret here. I have tried to be as truthful as possible here, to do less would be pointless.
I feel fragmentated, like I have 2 or 3 split personalities. Sometimes I have no clew who’s showing up to run the show for the day.
Don’t know if anyone might remember the story about the lady who "faith healed" my ankle a while back. She has been a frequent visitor to my cubical at work. On NYE she came to me with a serious look on her face and a gift in her hand. She gave me an angel and said she was told to do so. I can’t help but wonder about that one.
Carole thanks so much for your call. I am feeling so isolated and really have no "live" person to talk to about this. I have yet to figure out what to say to my sponser. I’m off tomorrow and there is a ladies only GA meeting I can go to. That might be a good way to "fess up".
Caron, thanks for your words. I’m feeling much like a hipocrate but rest assured I have not given up on recovery, just hit a pot hole and blew out a tire!
Guess the reasonable "bettie" showed up to run the show today.
bettie