So so close to the edge, and I nearly fell into the black sea of gambling.
Partner and I had been short of money for a bit, we are paying in huge amounts to our loan so we can get it out of the way as soon as possible. Becourse I travel a lot for work right now I needed some spare money in my account in case of emergency so we set up a withdrawal option for excess money payed into our loan.
I thought I was in the clear I thought I had this none gambling figured out, so I kept the no’s to be able to redraw money in my wallet. On Sunday I went down to the city and took a walk, walked by the casino, felt the paper burn in my pocket..just one little phone call and I would have easy access to money, minimal withdraw $500…
So I called and transferred money, walked into the foyer and used the ATM, withdrew $300.
From a distance I listened to the sounds and watched the lights of the machines, as well as the numb faces walking around inside, thought is that really what I want to go back too. Forced myself to walk out omg how hard was that! Sat down in my car and drow down the road and donated the $300 to RSPCA.
When I got home my partner asked me what I had done, I said walked..I wasn’t ready to discuss what had just happend.
In the evening I took a lighter and burned the bank transfer no’s when out with dogs.
Yesterday I told him the truth and he is so amazing he just said that’s the closest you have been, I said yes..and he goes how much did we donate? I said $300. He goes oh well at least it’s tax deductible and it was for a worthy course so all is good.
I’m feeling wobbly, I’m feeling lost and drawn in, I was too close to the edge of the abyss.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.
