Wow long time since ive seen my journal.
A few things have changed
Im still gambling online but very little,and yah been to the states i think 4 *****.
I found a new web sight about a month ago,but that proved to be a big disaster and i banned.
On march 2nd my banning from my casino ended,and yah the day before i went through he ll i tell yah ,struggled so hard over and over in my head ban or not .I even went to a pay phone and called the 1-800 help line to make sure my banning was really up,but they had no info for me.
Went to work that night and every minute i was aware of the time ,i was so scared how i was going to wake up ,was i going to blow it ,wow it was so hard couldnt sit still,but midnight came and i was ban free.I knew my safety net was gone.
Kinda felt happy to was like i got out jail ,and done my time.wierd,but another part of me was sad and feared it too.
In the morning i took my son and to the casino i went ,said you come with me,just in case,.he said are you going to rebann ,i said we will see.I gamble for two days and yah was a very exspensiive to days.
I have not rebanned yet.
Well i wont go into the details but we are going to get the test results for my daughter ,she has been tested for huntingtons disease ,her dad has it ,so on mar 13 we will know her fate,if it is bad news it will kill me,WOW ,not sure how iam going to handle it ,very afraid i will fall into a massive depression again.
Then what stress leave again ,I dont think my work will tolerate that again.
I still see the same counsler and yah she has beed so helpful to me last two weeks,i called her cause ,i will need some one to pick up the pieces if it is bad news and help put me back together.
I dont talk much to that lady ,we still talk occasionally but we do not socioalize.counslers right we are bad but for each other and well she rebanned,but we could of easly become best gambling buddies.
Still go to ga ,but not as much missed over a month through dec,busy ,work and well 2 ***** i chose gambling in states over ga.I dont have a sponser and iam not ready for 12 steps.i dont have a phone list either.Ga is for the rest of my life i know that ,but for right now the want to stop gambling will be my ga.cant go for next two weeks freshly off the ban ,yah not to good ,going to be a struggle that is for sure.
Im having alot of trouble still doing my budgets for lawyers,i just fill it all in ,crunching numbers to fit it all in to look like i budgeted ,but really it is all lies .called the ga line and talked to a fellow about the pressure relief groups ,but i dont qualify need 30 days gf,and i dont.plus he started talking about spread sheets ,noway cant do that to much for my brain lol.
Hubby is doing so goooooood ,loosing weight but for some reason ,he is so compliant with care now and they never have to call me,he lets them do it all ,so nice,i still ride thier but ts to make sure they care for him.I have been going to see hime everyday it is tiring and well takes alot out of me.
Nothing changed for me in the year i was away from the casino,i have been living a fairly normal life ,but i will say i gambled 2 paychecks in states and one on that online site,so financial im behind ,but still doable.
Im still a cg and will be for life,always need to be reminded of that for my kids sake,cause really it hurts them more.
Im in big trouble with lawyers,yes and im in big trouble with care home i behind on hubbys rent.and yes mentally im in big trouble too awaiting the results is so hard the fear of the unknow can take you to your knees fast.
I did not gamble today or yesterday and for some reason I didnt even want to,changing but never changed,
I am greatful for my counsler,my couch and my warm house i dont want to loose that to gambling.Im greatful for my job .im greatful for my car and i am greatful for the way my kids still love me lol ( although some days they might not me )but yah they love me.And i love them.
Spring is here it bring new life and hope .take care all night.
