Thanks Looby and Vera, Some peolpe V! would have left you feeling not too grand, i’m sure.
I am on the train home, had a good night’s sleep last night so feel wide awake. My Mam rang me at 05.45 to make sure I was up; she didn’t sound too well but is at the hosp about her chest this morning hopefully I will meet her there when I get off the train.
It’s a year next week I left Gordon House, I knew it wasn’t going to be plain sailing, and I am quite disappointed it has taken me so long to put into place the coping mechanisms I discovered within myself when I was there. However I have now, and I know only too well it’s no good having any regrets, I can’t change the past. I was thinking this morning about my counselling course and I do think a lot of what I learned there has also helped me to sustain the changes I have made so far. I feel as if I have made one massive change these last few months, but of course not, its not one change it is probably more like an accumulation of many smaller changes along the way. Such things as; listening to and considering the feedback of others, and, not dismissing it an instant. One thought pattern I had to change a long time ago was to stop thinking that gambling isn’t an option. It is an option to everybody, each and every day; there are gambling opportunities each and every day too. What I learned was that I have a choice whether to gamble or not, I have learned how to make the correct choice, which I have done every day for a while now. I know that I am so fortunate to have gone through the GH programme, and (Looby) you can’t give hope because what I learned has stayed with me, although I had chosen to ignore a lot of it, if not all, last year. I think the counselling I received in Gordon House was crucial to my present recovery. It has certainly made me realise the benefits of getting things out, and not being as judgemental as I was. I was having a bad time in there during my counselling; facing up to trauma from years gone by, as well as how my previous gambling behaviour was effecting my life in other aspects, things I had never even thought of before. At that time my relationship started to deteriorate my ex and me just couldn’t seem to talk, every conversation was ended abruptly by either one of us, we both at that time had the inability to listen to each other; thanks to our independent recoveries we both now are much better listeners. I realised that the resentful feelings that I was having towards my ex were completely un-justified. However I felt as if she was being unreasonable towards me too, and in all honesty I feel that my ex had every right to behave the way she did towards me, she certainly benefitted by learning so much in the F+F. We have spoken lately actually, it was really nice. We will stay in touch but by email and only the occasional phone call, neither of us thinks it’s a good idea to try our relationship again. At the time though my ex observed that during the three months previous to my stay in GH when I was living with her she had observed me "dry gambling". At the time I did not agree with her to the point of feeling contempt towards her, however I had to acknowledge the fact she was right during our recent conversations. Thankfully in such an open and honest forum as this there is lots of knowledge to be gained by listening to others; maybe a bad trait of mine was not listening to others. Thankfully I think I accept criticism well now and will always digest what others say, I think that I learn just as much from talking to and reading the posts of those that struggle, as well as the posts of those strong in recovery for long periods. I am pleased also that I learned from trying to accept and give support from my friend last year when we had both been gambling was so wrong. It was too easy for both of us to collude, and carry on living in denial without even seeing it, justifying and normalising our idiotic and pathetic behaviour, (but as it’s been said to me and is something I am pleased I can now agree with we don’t see our own denials without changing; DENIAL; Don’t Even kNow I Am ***** To Myself). Of course it was suggested to me not so very long ago by very well respected members of the gambling therapy team and forum users, as well as my support worker from GH and the outreach chap not to pursue support with this friend. Of course being so full of it after recently gambling, I thought I knew best and chose to ignore them all. The result? Probably the thefts and frauds at Christmas and New Year to get my gambling money. I figured it out weeks and weeks ago that if I had of listened to Vera, Velvet, and others back then I wouldn’t be in my current financial situation. I think why GT prohibit the exchanging of personal details in the public forums is so that people in denial don’t have to opportunity to bring each other down, by normalising or excusing their gambling. I also think it’s nice when GT do allow members to exchange details, when both parties are recovering well. I think every day without gambling is another day of new knowledge for me, you learn something new every day, indeed I do. This new talking routine of mine isn’t a massive change, more the tweaking up of my awareness maybe it was the missing link in my recovery, only time will tell. I am pleased that it works for me. It only works for me because I give it 100%. I appreciate that others that are strong in recovery may not necessarily follow the same regime as me, and I’m not saying that “their” way is wrong. I know that my way is right, for me.
You can’t run before you can walk and I don’t think it’s possible to recover until you change.
I was writing this on the train earlier, but never had time to post it before the train got here, I am back at my Mams house now, she has to go back to the hospital in four weeks for her chest and in two weeks for her gallbladder. I think my Dad is understandably worried about the next few days and it is not nice to see him like this, mind you he’s just walked to the barbers and back, and seemed to be walking fine.
I’m pleased I am back up here for a few days, just wish it was under better circumstances. Cant wait to get my grandson again later in the week.
Just for today!
I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.– 06/06/2011 14:39:52: post edited by geordie18.
