Originally posted by kin
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
The apostle Paul wrote: “ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living with every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )
Serenity is having an inner calm in the midst of ups and down of life.
It involves learning to be content with the things in our life that cannot be changed.
Dear diary,
This week dated 28-may to 2 Jun was not smooth sailing especially near the end but it was not all that bad after all. I had tried hard to take baby steps daily and be mindful of the happening around me in my life
I have to make changes regularly to keep myself in check and balance with the changes outside especially at work from the expectation of my company and the unpredictable demand and changes put in place from my immediate superior, which is normal and expected from a sales environment.
I chose a most junior position, one I am very confident I could deliver so I can focus on other priority in my life now
Everything in the week was progressing fine, I could feel grateful and contented with what little I have daily and I was feeling peaceful.
I was even more careful now, I am doing something I don’t in the past in recovery, if I was really exhausted, I will take a break and rest or sleep…that means I will sacrifice and miss the support group meeting or church service to break the cycle of rushing and slow down the pace in my life. Rest and sleep have risen in priority in my recovery.
Despite all this, my peace was broken on Thursday evening. I received a letter from the inland revenue department informing me about their recovery action on my unpaid taxes. My bank account was frozen by them. I was shock, frighten and have no time to react because I needed the money inside to service a loan 2 days away on Saturday. I panic a little, I was definitely frustrated and angry.
I told myself I can either do nothing and chose to be helpless for the rest of the day or I can do something immediately to repair the situation…yes the thought to gamble came automatically, I entertain the thought for a few seconds, at the same time, I also knew it can make matter worse if I lost, most importantly I have decided no matter how bad is the situation, I will bite the bullet and move on without the gambling.
My only option, I still have half an hour after I receive the letter to call them to find out what I can do before their office closes for the day. I spoke to one of the officer… over the conversation, of cause the officer was not cooperative in the beginning and I have to admit it was all my fault but I really do not have the surplus money to service my tax as I was still servicing my loans. She told me I could provide supporting documents to prove my case, pay a nominal amount and they will release my bank account and the money inside at 2 pm the next day, if I can report to them the next day at 8 am before I go to work at 9 am.
It was all about rushing from one place to another on Friday, and even on Saturday when I have to attend to a housing purchase matter, also at 8 am, get the money at 1 am and then service my loan at 2 pm.
End of everything, I knew I was safe but I have a new problem, I have to cope with a new anxiety feelings inside me now. I should be feeling gratitude and contentment that everything ended well, but I was not feeling peaceful, and I don’t have the calm to be still, I should go home to rest or go to church later at 7 pm but I was restless …. my thought and feeling don’t seem to be in line.
I just walk and walk for more than 2 hours, I window shop and look at all the shops and things I passes by , the hardware and army / police supplies shops until I was so tired and thirsty, I sat down at a coffeeshop for a can of **** and watch the world passing by, the restlessness was gone , my emotion was stable and I just wanted to go home, I am feeling really tired now, I am ready to go home, take a hot shower and sleep early. I am not rushing to the church service later at 7 pm.
I don’t know, I feel that I was again this close to ******** up my life but God is watching.
Finally here on a Sunday, I am able to write down all my thanks, gratitude and contentment that I could not on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thank you Lord !
— 2/6/2013 8:31:48 AM: post edited by kin.