Well i got my head back on the right way round again yippee.. went to a meeting again and feel i am back in recovery again, so looking forward to seeing my counsellor this week.. I didn’t realize i would miss it so much so it shows me that it is doing me good. I feel relief after i go there and chat. I always think i won’t have anything to say yet i don’t seem to shut up the whole time i am there. Today i am happy to wake and know i can have a gamble free day today, my head along this journey kept saying you won’t make it, you can’t do it, look at your history, what’s the point you will fall eventually. Today i am going to work on changing those thoughts once more to you know what, i can do this, i am doing this and i am now living a gamble free life.. have been for some time now so it is possible, and if i can do it for the last time ive been doing it for i can also do it for today… I think that i was being tested last week.. I think that it was temptation and somehow getting through those tests and being so close to gambling and feeling like its impossible to coming out without gambling has made me stronger today. Maybe it was me finally letting go. Maybe its just what will happen through recovery and i have to deal with it each time it does.. No matter what happens today, i dont have to gamble. No matter what. I feel things changing, i feel i am changing. Its been a very slow long drawn out process of four years trying to stop. It has taken the full four years of relapsing and being knocked down and getting back up time after time after time to get to a point today where i feel i can actually do this. I think it is different too when you have someone asking you to go get help or being found out. I was not found out or busted, or was not accountable to anyone. I chose to go get help, but it has taken this amount of time for me to actually feel that i am at a place that i can do it. I cant ban, i handle my own finances and no one is checking up on me. However with the help of here and GA and a higher power of my own understanding and counselling. I believe today i can live a gamble free life. That week of close calls has actually been part of the process of me letting go i think. However, i am aware of what addiction is, i am fully aware of it now. It is very very powerful and very sneaky. I know one thing, addiction is out to kill. It wants to take me down, the aim of addiction is to ruin me. it will if i let it. Today after years of help i can say, i will not let it.
This is how i feel today! Tomorrows another story but i will face that when its today hahaha..
P
