time to get serious, i have to find the courage to ban myself from these venues i have gone to gamble, i left them there so i had an avenue but now i am trying to solve this problem the right way, not half half. if the urges don’t come in the first place then i win the battle but if i have urges i have to be banned to stop me from going. this is not about rewards or leasure or happiness, this is about being a mere mortal wanting freedom. bruce lee once famously said, there is no opposition, in other words once you acknowledge the opposition you have to fight it, what if there was no fight? what if you could overcome this addiction by saying you don’t matter to me, i am not going to waste my time on you anymore. mind over matter, what you don’t mind does not matter. there are other real problems to face, the problem of being human, to satisfy hunger and thirst, the need for protection. we have to look around us in the world and see what is going on. what does being alive really mean? can we go outside of our box and think beyond convention? i have the freedom to live, other people’s force and greed is wrong, with being alive comes responsibility to myself, so this is not about money or kicks anymore, they have no real value and are fleeting, life remians with me until i am dead. this is a challenge, i did not ask for it, as with many things, but i have the power of choice, to go to a venue and relieve myself of an urge, or to go to the source of the urge and question it, dissolve it. we come into this world, with no handbook, we go down our road and we realise truths. when i am philosophical, i am not restless, i am not going to go gambling, so here i am ranting. i am tired of looking outside for the answers, tired of people who want to judge me and put authority over me, i know fundamentally i am free from all this, as a society we play this game of ping pong, when i dream of a utopian place deep inside i know it can exist anywhere due to what i have gone through in the past, i managed to reach this freedom before, it is the true self, the essence of our selves, and no body not even our physical body is tied to it, it is freedom the very expression of freedom. somebody once said in a book i read long ago, that once you have seen the light inside the palm of your hand then you can’t say you haven’t, you only want to see it again and nothing more. i watched a video on youtube about the strawman, look it up, anyway…the questions are easy. is there anything of true value in the world? is there? aand recently i asked myself a simple question from the movie good will hunting, "what do you really want?" this is a simple question, but the answer is complex. the answer is an adventure. some scientists call ants, robots, i don’t want to become a robot or as i call them zombie. i look at my life, which is the result of a succession of generation, and the best thing perhaps was when i said to myself, that’s it, enough is enough, i am not going to have a child or children. this is it. this is the last chance, like i am the last person on this road. some people have children because they want to relive their lives, or they want to produce more human life in other words. deep down i know there is no intrinsic value in life, is a series of cycles leading to nowhere. beside i am not capable of going through the process of making a new human being. i want to give rise to souls, not bodies, for bodies are limitations and thus have no true value. i need help
