March 14.
First of all- no more, icandothis,Debbie and williame- thank you for your words, ideas and support. Williame, I am going to send you an email.
I have not been able to let my debt go and give up this sickness. Although it is my greatest dream, I know it is a fantasy to recoup these losses. How sick is that? I used to have dreams of buying a house, moving in with my gf and really beginning to live. Now I dream of never having to see my bookie again or taking a final walk into the woods and never breathing again. I could never do that to my family though but just writing that last sentence and knowing the words are true… I can’t begin to describe the pain and tears stream uncontrollably. Im pathetic. Do you know what one of the worst feelings is? After you finish up a binge session, after all the games are over- I come to- and I am so very alone. Being heartbroken certainly isn’t helping matters. I have poured my heart out to her but I’m afraid she has moved on without me. I feel absolutely blindsided but that is another story. So, as you can see- I really am alone in this now. I went to see a therapist but I’m not sure if it is a good fit, I have only seen him once so far. As pathetic as all of this is to write, I can’t even afford the $25 per session it would cost me to continue therapy. I don’t know what to do anymore. I do know that I hate myself more and more everyday I continue this life.
