Well its been like a month and no gambling- wasnt really ******** the days that much but my bf asked me today if i gambled cos i spent some money today. I said no cos i hadnt and explained what id bought- and told him i hadnt gambled in like a month and he was like ‘really? Has it been that long- wow that is really good babe- good on ya!’
yay- felt really good bout that. I said yeah just gotta do dis another ten ***** and il be close to a year lol.
He reminded me tho that wen my son returns to school will be the testing time for me- and i agreed. So going to return my card to him once that happens- just to be sure and give myself some extra security and peace of mind- carry only small amounts of cash.
Cooked dinner tonight- which is nice because i dont ussually ****. Just another activity that im including in my routines that is different and positive. Takes up a little time and gives me a little happiness.
Spose thats what its all about – finding little activities that give ya a little happy buzz- much better than stressful- high risk- high stress games that give ya no joy- and only lead to dissapointment.
I dont want to spend another day being dissapointed in my decisions or hating myself- for gambling? No. Maybe for something i have no knowledge of and dont know better etc- but not the same old guilt trip from gambling. Its really lame and im done with giving in to gambling. (its almost like i want to confirm the dissapointment or negative feelings i have about myself- so i gamble- and in that way i prove to myself i am justified in having these thoughts about myself- its a self fullfilling prophecy in a way.)
I’m just taking it step by step and regardless of whatever happens im going to try to choose something else to turn to instead of gambling.
Besides i dont want those pokies to even get one more dollar of my money- i would rather literally throw it into the ocean than put it into those pokies. Atleast i could sit there thinkin to myself…hmm watever happenned to those three hundred dollar coins i threw into the ocean….did they wash up on shore? did some kids find em…are they growing barnacles on them… (point is its actually a random chance thing- not like pokies where the money gets the government and the owners of the licences rich and keeps other people in a job- none of this benefits me in anyway- and actually gambling destroys me- so yeah i would honestly rather throw the money randomly away- than take it there.)
Well for now i am travelling along ok and have sidestepped some roadblocks- so heres to another day – anotheer small victory. cheers x
