Originally posted by Kathryn
Hi Debbie,
Recovery does have to be selfish….
… when i was gambling, my mind was never in the present, always in the future, how to gamble, where to get money, etc etc….
My experience is that it took me a long time to find myself in the desperate state that bought me to GT that fateful night, it was/is going to take me a long time to sort myself out. I am definitely getting there, in fact, im pretty close. In saying that in no uncertain terms am i saying i am cured, i just have a bit more peace of mind and i am comfortable with the no gambling Kathryn (in fact, i like her quite a lot!) I feel that the ‘real’ me has finally emerged from the rubble that was my surrounding wall, my gambling wall that i hid behind, brick by brick i have bought it down …
To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan
It has been a while since I have posted to my main topic, my online journal, but in reading some of the post of others I found the thoughts above that expresses where I am in recovery more than a few of my own updates of my life. Nevertheless, things are going good for me, I have had few frustrations like everyone else but nothing that has proven to be devastating or beyond my ability to deal with. Still a few minor problems of experiencing bad service and poor quality in workmanship’s and disappointing products, problems such as with my Internet provider that requires too much time on the phone — "Peggy" is not that helpful at times (those in the States that have seen a certain commercial about tech support will know who I am referring to, others can look here for the humor in it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRLwKw9up3s). Also having to deal with insurance issues that involve a recent hail storm and a car I had rented at the time — had to talk to "Peggy" again; but this is now being worked out and my part of the cost should not be too much, hopefully (?).
And I am still dealing with a greater problem, letting go of things of much greater importance that I do not have any control over, or letting go of only hopeful dreams that remain is more like it. But in recognizing this I believe that this burden will not have an negative effects on my life other than the pain and regret I feel at times; pain that I know I can deal with and am working with, and regrets that will also diminish and are, to quote my daughter that is somewhat too wise yet too cynical for her age, "regrets are ******* useless". Everyday problems and surprises are not near the problems that I allowed to build when in my depressive state, or the problems resulting from the control of my addiction.
These are the negative things that are in my life, however, they are not the important things in my life. The happiness and freedom that comes from not giving in to any urge or temptation to gamble, even the so-called little enjoyments that brings a smile or laugh, far outweigh the problems that would have once sent me in to trying to escape. The involvement with my family and friends that are around me is greater that the deceit and lies that kept me away from them before, the positive things of life replaces all of the "more in life" that I searched for and did not find in the world of gambling. The awareness and changes in my life that keeps me gambling free, also lets me see everything that is excellent or praiseworthy, lets me experience the great adventures of life.
All of this rambling to bring me back to a report on my recovery. I find this easy to do today, I only have to repeat the words of Kathryn I quoted above. And not only my using her words to describe my state of recovery makes this post easier, my reading the post of the others here, both in current post and those waiting for me in older and archives post, my listing to their problems and struggles, using the advice I found, and my gaining knowledge of the things that have and are working for others, has made my recovery easier. In learning from the past and accepting that I am not different than any of them, that "just because I stopped gambling doesn’t mean that my cat will not be ran over" — a quote from another member, that I too can not be a normal gambler and that I must not gamble for anything, my using what I found from others and learning from my own past, I now find life to be good.
God’s speed to all. Keep aware. Stay strong.
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.