Originally posted by paul315
… it has been a while since I posted to my journal, but I feel like it was time for me to be writing and to get a better focus on events …
and,
Originally posted by cat438 in her topic
… I have to say that one thing that really bothers me is when I come on and find that someone has had or is having a rough time. I wish that I could erase all their problems and gambling urges …
Good afternoon all,
Sorry about the extra long post, but where you do not need to read it, I needed to post it.
Cat’s post today in her "i can do this" topic told of my feelings during my daily visits, it too bothers me when I see the problems of others and I wonder if I can in some way encourage them to work harder at their resolve. I use part of that post above and the rest can be found on her page.
Although I want to remove this addiction from them, and even to carry their cross myself, I also know that there is nothing that I can do to whisk away the problems or pain; the work, action, and mental process, that is needed to provide for this transformation is entirely on the one that is struggling. We can only provide support, understanding, advice, and love, that is coming from a fellow gambler.
And while sadden to hear about the problems of others, from the stories of the newcomers to the stories from established members that share in the consequences of a relapse, their attempts at being a normal gambler and the fresh accounts of how this addiction can still take control is a warning that I need to reinforce that I made the right choice to stop gambling. Thanks to the ones that come here to share in their problems, I do not have to venture out on my own to the abyss and hell that I left.
These stories of the perils and devastation has also caused be to look deep into what I am doing different and at what things that are not working for some others. I know that we are all different and that different processes will work better for some than other, but there is also some fundamental things that can not be brushed aside. Like others have done with theirs, I have reread all of my post in my own topics, and have reviewed quite a few post that others have made on their topics, and of the ones I have made to them. All of this to awaken in me the right program for me to follow, a program that can remain fresh and change when needed, and one that I will not fall into being complacent and overconfident in following — for it is my work on, my acceptance and us of my HP, and the daily practicing of my program, that is allowing me to live gambling free; it is not "I" that is doing this.
In conjunction to my renewed awareness I am also finding that my replies to others have been longer and more open than even my normally long ones in the past. Hopefully those there that my post are directed too will understand that all of my post are directed just as much to me as to them. During the past days where I am starting to feel the pressures of knowing that we are all just a next bet away from being once again completely overpowered, I am doing all that I can to prevent me form being another one that makes that next bet, that makes the wrong choice. In reading the post of others I find key words and phrases in their stories that start me to thinking about what I need to do. I have found that it is best for me to write out what is needed for me in my replies to others instead of an update to my journal. In doing this I hope that none are feeling like I am singling them out or being unsympathetic to their pain; I truly hurt and care for each and every one here, and those that attend, and come and go to my GA meetings. I seem to fit pretty well into the purpose of GA and my association with them , e.g. to stop my gambling and to help other compulsive gamblers to do the same, and the the mandate to carry the message of recovery "to the compulsive gambler that who still suffers".
And a slight deviation to the above:
I have felt at times that I may be spending too much time in my participation here, not in working my recovery, but in getting involved in the post of others; that if there were a Question 12 for Recovery Addiction similar to the GA question concerning prioritizing use of money, "Am I reluctant to use "recovery time" for normal events of life?", what would be my answer? However, I feel comfortable in that my answer would be a change form my first gut answer of "Yes" to a more realistic one of "No".
In working a similar GA Step 4 for gambling and taking an inventory, in connection with my activity in recovery and participation here, I have found that the time that I am spending is quite natural for me, and something that I need to do to replace the lose of the meaningful task I had before I retired. I spend much more time in negotiating contracts and representing employees that I do here. My work there carried me far past the expected normal 8 hour days, where my visits here only make up a few hours each day. In my taking inventory of my life, and my attempts to try to figure out "why me" and knowing the reasons behind my compulsive gambling, I have came to the conclusion that my need to be active in the problems of others and working on ways that might help them, and my subsequent loss of that avenue for feeling good due to retirement, had a part in this addiction having an opening in my life. Not only has my participation here help in my recovery, it has renewed that drive, and has eliminated that part of what made me an easy target and victim of an addiction.
All in all, the time that I spent at gambling during the past years has been replaced with the normal activities that I suppressed during the time of being in action. The time and effort that I spend here has replaced the enjoyment of my past activist life. And despite my need to continue addressing the other reasons that the addiction feed on, I find that "Life is good".
Thanks for reading.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Stay active. Keep evolving and progressing in your recovery and life.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.