Originally posted by paul315… After reading a post by paul1day, and like him, I would like to say "that my post are for me", so forgive me if I seam to carry on. This is not to say that I am not seeking your help, I read these post all the time and, again paraphrasing paul1, "graciously accept all the help I receive here" and deeply appreciate your comments that give me further insight, help and encouragement.
Good afternoon,
I am setting around waiting for a delivery (I miss the part of my old apartment being in a complex where the building manager would sign for deliveries) cooking and listening to music on the radio. I am also spending more time than usual reading different post, even some of my own first ones that the above paragraph was taken. I found that my recognition of a need for help from others, and the benefit to be found in my posting to others as if posting to me started in the beginning. Replies as if all of "My post are for me" still seems to be a good way for me to learn and gain further insight and encouragement. So again I ask you to forgive any of my carrying on; my carrying on to others does help me to carry on in my journey.
While I carry on in replies to other, updates to this my main topic are not that frequent. One reason being that my life in general is uneventful. Don’t get this wrong, "uneventful" is a good thing for me even if it may carry a negative message to others; I do have a different way of looking at things. A good friend of mine and I that do not see each other quite as often as before, and even when we did, use this term also to let each other know that all is OK, that the trip went OK, that a certain event went on OK, that life has been good without incident, etc. We are both of the same mindset that everyday events and enjoyments represent what is to be expected and therefor uneventful, just normal — waking up to smell the roses or coffee is the way things are meant to be. Unfortunately this outlook on life, and the reasons, was substituted and suppressed when I was active with my addiction, and he with his as an AA was active in his; but now are both enjoying all the uneventful things of life, and properly dealing with the less enjoyable and sad eventful things that must be included in the adventure of living.
A few here encourage me to be more open and informative about my adventures in life, but now that I am living gambling free, uneventful things are again back to the status quo and I just fail to take the time to talk about them to others; thinking that they are like my other friend, they know that things are OK. I am not a private person, I still post about some of the more enjoyable events and even thing that I have problems with, it is just that my post to others allows me to journal my feeling concerning the problems, and talking about all the good would take too much time. But I have a lot of time today so I will carry on with venting, babbling, and just typing about what comes to mind.
At my GA meeting last night the reading started out being about the "why me" questions that seam to hold people back from accepting the facts about our addiction; instead of addressing the issues, we ask why we were "singled out". Here again with my taking a different view on things, I see it as a different question. I did not see my "why me" as an accusing question, I saw it as relating to the question "Why Me Lord, What Have I ever Done to Deserve Even One of the Blessing You Give", not what have I done to deserve problems, heartaches, and adversities. For me looking at things form different and more positive angles makes negative things look better and less controlling or threatening.
Before I am interrupted by my expected delivery I will carry on a little more about the delivery, a mild medical intrusion on my life, and maybe even about one of the uneventful happenings. My medical condition is not serious as many other here have talked about, more of a nuances and discomfort, but one that I am being reminded of as I type. For quite a few years I have been experiencing the effects of what is know as Raynaud’s phenomenon, a condition that affects the arteries and is marked by brief episodes of a narrowing of the blood vessels. This causes my fingers to swell. itch, and be sensitive to touch. My fingers get cold even with heavy gloves and in the past the only sign was purplish fingernails, red fingertips and a a burning-cold feeling. However the past few weeks it has progressed to the itching and sensitivity symptoms. And the best cure and prevention, unless it gets to serious, is to not let them get cold, even when handling food, and to use a lot of itching relief ointment.
The delivery that I am expecting is a new coffee maker (I do almost all of my shopping online). The other morning my old one just did not work, and for the past few days I have been drinking cola for my morning pick-me-up, it is not the same, and knowing that I am sharing a "cupa" with others here is not the same either; their presence is felt, but the aroma and taste of their brew does not make it through cyberspace. This is just another very mild inconvenience that I am facing, nothing the keeps be awake, no pun intended, but it is a reminder of part of one of the 20 Questions that was asked when I first joined GA; "13. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?". Nearing the end on my gambling binges I would hold on to every penny just to gamble, I started skimping on the amount of coffee required to brew a good cup, started reusing grounds, and yes, even took coffee packets home from different places, I was doing anything to keep from spending a few gambling dollars on a can of coffee. Now in a little while, I plan to make me a cup and enjoy a delayed wake up to the smell of coffee, and continue doing anything to keep be from having to answer such question in the affirmative again.
The last part of my post will be about the enjoyments of an uneventful occasion, or occasions. My daughter just recently "friended" me on her Facebook page, this is something that I did not give much thought too, either at the notice, except for the good feeling of being included in her thoughts, or the time that I was not a "friend"; I didn’t know that I wasn’t, so it made no difference and both ways was only a natural way of those living in a type of a reality-show episode. I have peeked in on occasions to some pages, but never poked, ???, anyone or replied to notices that some one had poked me. I did join when FB first started to reserve claim to my "moniker" used on most all sites. Like I said, this was an uneventful, yet satisfying, event that I would really talk about. Except, now that the initial pleasing feeling is part of everyday life, I am also a little disappointed that I am a FBF. I do not want to know about what she is finding "uneventful" in her life, some of the things that I have read, and as a father presumed to be too much for my little girl to be involved in — she was 8 when I left, and is now 15, going on ?. I am only talking about her piercings and posing with cigarettes, and "with a boy", but still not what I would particularly like to see and admit to as her growing up. She also has accounts of the little girl things that she still does, and talk about her what-"I"-considered-to-be-normal interest, so I guess I should just not look at the other things to harshly and be grateful that I am a friend when I can not be a father in residence. She does show an amazing talent and imagination in the photos see post, and an amazing beauty, reminiscent of her mother’s looks, in the ones of her; and thanks to seeing her talent and reading about her interest on FB I was able to give her a better lens for her camera. All in all, all is good and all is OK, i.e., uneventful in her and my life.
Well another coincidence just happened, I am through posting to my page, and FedEx just arrived. Off for a nice "hot" cuppa to invigorate me and warm my hands while I take a look at my daughter’s FB page and cringe.
God’s speed to all. Thanks for your ear.
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.– 1/11/2012 2:43:44 PM: post edited by paul315.