Good afternoon all,
I have decided to make another entry to this, what started out to be my main topic for my post, but one I do not follow daily; I spend a lot of time here, but in participating is other ways. Sometimes I feel that I may be taking too much time from others things in my life but in reading a post from Frozen I recognized that the time spent doing this, in his words, "reading, writing, thinking, self-lecture, forgiving, coaching, believing", is time "well spent" and is "a good investment". I also find that it is far less time, and more beneficial, that gambling in the past took up, and even far less time that I spent at work doing most of the same things during part of my career. Time spent occupying most of my days without remorse, other than the forthcoming remorse from the gambling; was no different than this time that I also spend away from other activities, and also without remorse. Today’s entry is for me to put behind me a past and minor dilemma, and to also recognize some good that I have doubted or failed to see in my sharing at meetings.
In a couple of recent chat rooms I talked to others about some concerns dealing with another member in that he may have forgotten about his volunteering to bring a cake that is a tradition to honor the anniversary of our members. During the very limited meeting before my anniversary he, and almost all of the others were unable to attend, there were only two of us there and no reminders of the cake were made. My dilemma was whether or not I should call him, showing a lack of confidence in his commitment, to bring the cake myself showing the same negativity, or just to accept what would happen; there would be a cake or no cake. I decided to "Let go and let what happen happen"; it was not up to me to make problems out of what could be no problem. I am happy that I reached this decision and it made the days leading up to my anniversary more enjoyable, and the event in itself more enjoyable.
As it turns out, he did forget, but it was the actions of others reminding him at the last moment that caused him to bring the cake without any issue; I did not show my previous and discarded doubts, nor did he have to deal with any possible guilt. And we all had cake. There was even another member celebrating 2 Years in addition to me (our clean date is only a day apart), one that had not attended any of the meeting for most of the past year due to school, yet he took off this one night to proclaim his continued abstinence and to celebrate. Although the cake was for all, I felt that I was able to share my cake with him and be encouraged by his upholding his resolve to not gamble, even in his not being able to attend meetings; meeting are important, but being able to stick to our recovery and principles when circumstances do not permit attendance, or when temptations or urges pop up, is more important.
As for my posting to recognize good, and not withstanding the cautions found in yesterday’s; Thought for the day" (copied below), concerning tooting your own horn; for this is far from my intent, mine is to recognize that my efforts do not fall to the wayside and that I may not be the pest that I see.
In our GA meetings most of the sharing is about people’s lives and not concentrated on "recovery", per se. Even during our once-a-month Step Meetings that are to be dedicated to the corresponding numbered Step, the sharing is about their families. I accept and appreciate this form of sharing, in fact I get as much, if not more, from this, and the stories those here tell about their lives and daily actions, that I do from the advice and suggestions offered, or the information I find in searching. I recognize that the life we live resulting form our recovery is what recovery is really about — for us to be able to live a better way of life, to experience all the adventures; and sharing in this better way is a part of recovery. And I do talk about the joys and happiness I find in living gambling free; I share in the good life as the outcome of my recovery as well.
However, for me, in both my post and my replies to others, I tent to stick to the principles of recovery and the ways and means to use them in my life so that I will continue being gambling free — to me it seems that I might be a pest at trying to guide others to think about or comment on ways to work a program of recovery. Even during the time that I have chaired meetings, I go out of the way to ask that others include these thoughts along with the talk about everyday life; it works at times with some, but for the most part I think that I come across as being bossy when some respond with only "I have nothing to say about that, but … blah blah blah" (this term is not to belittle what they do say, it is just to represent the words they do use). Little of my sharing at the meeting, or in my post here is about my life. I do not hide my life, and I have and do talk about it on occasion, but most of my time is taken up by my looking for answers. I have always felt that others might find that I am only taking the opportunity to promote my own thoughts, while I am merely trying to get my thoughts in some order so as to work on my recovery, that I am in reality using my form of posting and sharing as therapy for my shortcomings.
At my anniversary celebration, these thoughts and fears were somewhat put to rest, I was completely surprised to hear one after another member mention how they enjoyed and benefited from my "being a pest" – my words not theirs, and how encouraging it was for them to continue to look at their recovery, how they appreciated all the searching I did to work my recovery and that they benefited from my sharing in my efforts. Seeing that I did not have to put myself down, left a better taste than the cake.
Sorry about the ranting and long post, but this is my journey and in trying to know and find myself I hope to lose any misery that could possibly hold me back. Today I will make an effort to accept what I do, and not judge others on how I perceive their reactions.
God’s speed to all. Stay strong. Keep aware.
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:
Resolve to be thyself; and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.
–Matthew Arnold
We all have known the braggarts, the boastful ones who constantly toot their own horns. These people crave approval because they don’t yet approve of themselves. There are those who do the same thing but they’re not so noisy about it. The girl who says she’s ugly even though she’s pretty, or the guy who says he’s dumb even though he isn’t. These are not humble people. They are people who need to learn to approve of themselves.
We don’t have to be either of these people now. We can honestly look at ourselves and see our strengths and weaknesses for what they are. We don’t have to put ourselves down today. Best of all, we can now accept compliments graciously.
Today I will make an effort to accept myself.
You are reading from the book:
Our Best Days by Nancy Hull-Mast
LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.