I wasnt going to write this post, but i feel it is important, plus the fact that someone gave me a little push (you know who you are)
My reasons for not wanting to write it are simple…i didnt want the scrutiny, i didnt want to ‘taint’ my outstanding recovery, i didnt want anyone to think less of me, i didnt want to admit that maybe i did something stupid, and dangerous. So here goes….
Early last week i had a visit from an old work colleague, she decided that we should go out for dinner and a few drinks for my birthday. I thought it would be nice to have a catch up, but…she wanted to go to my old gambling haunt, and me, being me and not wanting to rock the boat, cause an awkward moment, whatever the reason, agreed.
So, we get picked up by the bus (its complimentary, do i need to say more?) and out we go. We had a lovely dinner and decided to go outside with a drink and have a cigarette. Normally there is a door that leads from the dining area to the outside area, and it was still there, but when we went to go out it was locked. Not wanting to make a scene, or to be honest, have an embaressing moment, i bravely (?) decided to walk through the gaming area, it was more of a trot really, head down, no looking, straight through. Well i did look a little, and noticed that many of the same gamblers were still there, nothing had really changed for them. A lot though, had changed for me.
I wouldnt say i wasnt listening to the music, i was. I could still here the machines ‘singing’, it was really loud. I was so conscoius of everything it was quite bizarre. I know i shouldnt have gone, i was not in any way testing myself, its not a situation i would readily repeat, i felt almost empowered, i came within inches of a machine, and didnt think once of putting a dollar in it.
In saying that, i wouldnt say it was the best night of my life, i was to busy being ‘aware’ to really enjoy myself. My freind knew of my banning, and when we were walking through i swear we were followed out by a staff member , although it may have just been me being paranoid, but still, it keeps my resolve that i cannot gamble, that i will be caught, which is a good thing.
I was dissapointed in the venue, that the only access out was through the gaming room, and although i felt ok, im not sure that others would, so i will be writing them a letter about this. Putting myself in that situation was not the smartest thing i have ever done, i wouldnt recomend it to anyone, it was stupid, i know better, but still i did it.
So, i lived to tell the tale. Im not doing myself any favours by putting myself in harms way like that, my recovery is too important to me. Call it lack of judgement on my behalf, call it simple stupidity, i was talking to someone on the weekend, and i told them that gambling is not first and foremost on my mind anymore, i am living, and perhaps i wanted to feel that i could cope in that situation. That i was a ‘normal’ person. That i can do normal things that others do without a second thought. It didnt feel normal though, it felt very wrong being there, being so close.
Take care, bye for now, Kathryn xxxTo live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan
