Today I felt proud of what my recovering CG has achieved in the last 16 days. It’s the first time I have felt anything towards him after his last gamble. Otherwise it’s the usual feelings of resentment, withdrawal, avoidance, not hatred but disliking him.
In the past after a slip, I always feel so numb and then go into this robot state for few days or weeks until I feel back to normal …. just getting on with life after his gambling slip.
This time, I had a small mental crisis after hislast gamble bust and it made me realise I am not handling the gambling slips as well as I used to. So have chosen to handle it differently this time.
I haven’t swept my feelings under the rug. Haven’t put aside my anger to be the support he needs. Instead this time, I let the feelings in. All of them. It hurt me. I felt all these negative feelings that in precious years I would push away and ignore.
It has made my recovery from his gambling harder. But hopefully he can see how much it affects me. Affects me as a mother. Affects his kids.
I don’t hate him. I love him, that’s why I am staying. But I still feel anger, betrayal, towards him.
My plan is to do fun things together as a family of 4 as much as possible. I don’t want to go on dates with him, but want to get over my resentment.
And taking Velvets advice, we need to fill his days with things exciting to fill that void. My CG has spoken of trying to replace the feel good brain chemicals he gets from making a bet with “normal” things in his life.
Can this really be the start of our new life together? I have hope but I also have so much baggage that I don’t know if it’s possible. Please let this be his last gamble, 16 days is a drop in the ocean but just maybe he will keep it up.
I certainly didn’t have this hope 15 days ago and never thought I would again..