Hi Vera – and thanks for your very frank words ☺ I’m thinking I should change my username to Mrs Frank aye?!
I am aware that currently he is not ready to stop but I am ready to start with what I can to possibly enable his ball rolling. It’s hard when you love someone – just like it was hard for you to stop; no doubt there were people you loved but you didn’t stop the gambling for them?
Maybe I’ve portrayed him to be a bit of looser or a drip – it’s hard to be accurate when you are writing a life experience on the Internet.
His hung-dog look doesn’t “appeal” to me – don’t worry I can see beyond the the bulls*t here. If he wants to agree to my suggestions in a non-committal way, that’ll only end up being his loss; one he won’t recognise unless I walk away, I know that. If I gain more from it than he does, sobeit – i.e., if it awakens my senses and all that bo*locks, I may just get a sooner rather than later light bulb moment that says ‘girl, what the F are you doing?’ OR it may help open the part his brain I have never seemed to delve into myself – either way personally I have nothing to loose (other than a 4 year relationship lol)… but you know what I mean.
So back to my other statement of perhaps portraying him out to be a looser – everyone is well aware we are a longlasting couple and its very much official don’t worry about that. It’s the gambling that’s non-existant to everyone else. Everyone things we just lead a lavish lifestyle, drinking and eating out a lot, weekends away etc… The only doublelife he has is his gambling. S doesn’t lead much of a thrill-seeking life other than that. He is as spontenious as a slug and that applies with me and his social life with the boys. I think its quite normal in 2017 to not have mutual friends with your partner (espesically be it that we are in our late 20s) – think about all the dating apps and how probably 60% go on to form holymatramony relationships only to live a life where neither of them know any ounce of their social circle. I don’t think it’s the end of the world and I think its quite healthy (I am not giving excuses here) to have separate hobbies and do things seperatly with your friends etc. but like I said it is hard when we all want to join together as one – his friends are at mortgage / baby stage; I have never had a huge group of friends, mine are dotted about all over the place so…
I do agree to an extent your statement about wishing he was someone else. I don’t think he wishes he was someone else but I think he wishes he were in a more appealing life situation. He has come across bitter in the past by saying things like ‘We live an honest life and all we get is grief… all our mates get house deposits off their parents… can’t your Mum just give you something towards a deposit; it’s so unfair, she’s gone through a divorce and made £ off the house, bought a new car and new house and didn’t give you anything.’ Yes it was a tad unfair but my Mum isn’t obliged to give me anything. I could have said to him ‘Because of your Dad dying, your Mum has 3 ISA’s jam-packed full of money – she’s sold the house profited £100,000, downsized, charges you £100 a month, has no mortgage, she’s retired and chooses to go on 3 holidays a year and give you/us nothing towards a house… and my Mum’s tight? My Mum’s on the breadline each month because she doesn’t have anything saved or handed down to her.’
So – back to couples counselling. I have trawled through mountains of Clinical Colins and Drippy Daves and managed to find a lovely lady well-suited to the both of us who has a strong background with addiction. She too was frank with me and even said she was going to be honest with me – the addiction side cannot be delved into and tackled in CC; he would need to fix that alone with me. I said the same as I have said to you – baby steps where I am quite happy to hold his hand for the first 3-4 goes and hopefully this may push him in some sort of right direction. He may warm to her and feel he enjoys it and thus want to attend a few sessions on his own. I’m one for don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
When my head is ready to take a total break (or finish), I will. Believe me I will. But when you have the fight left in you, naturally you cant do it. What about all these women who don’t give up after affairs etc? you could say to them, once a cheat, always a cheat – the same applies, why do they stick around? Probably because they have less respect for themselves than me and trust me I’d be running for the hills if he was shagging about but it’s the same kind of calibre. And I disagree with your charmer / broken many hearts statement. S has had 1 long-term girlfriend before he met me between 16-20 years old.
Maybe you’ve had a different experience gambling-wise and relationship-wise. I don’t agree that he uses me as a moneylender (if anything I borrow from him), 2nd fiddler (I quite happily tell his mates and their girlfriends he gambles so its up to them if they talk to him about it), or a punchbag! He is never emotionally charged or fuelled up enough to let rip on me about anything; he’s sometimes so placid he looks like he may nod off. But you are quite right – it could change if I ended up with him longterm / with a ring on my fingers vs financially committed and bound… this is why I am exploring this route.
Listen I don’t doubt your advice or comments here – and its good to hear it from an experienced CG. But everyone has their own stories to tell as to why they choose sometimes, the darker paths.
Speak soon and thanks x