Please keep “waffling ” Monica – I am so interested in how you explain things .
Yes I think if I had been a single mum , with no “caring f&f” my life would have been so much better -it would have been without expectation but also without the daily sacrifice to allow my f&of to keep his smug and superior opinion of himself that is so common with f &f.
Many times people have said about him coming to this site for support or to gamanon, and I always thought that would be the final straw- the last possible thing I could tolerate – that he would get to play the martyr to an even bigger audience and be totally encouraged in that role. Martyr I could live with – the smug , controlling, negativity so common in the f&f I have had my fill of .
I have noticed this pattern in the generation before me in his family – it’s harder to see patterns in my own – maybe I am too close .
I have noticed the long suffering martyr who does his/her best married to the “wrong one “. I have observed “wrong Ones” pack up and leave and never ever return or want to – funny I even remember the “wrong one ” being accused of gambling addiction to anyone anywhere who would listen . I hadn’t thought about to happening to men . I have seen the “wrong one ” go on to a great life while the f&f continued to portray martyrdom, and never quite get over the “cg” escaping their control. I have also seen the “wrong one ” stay and conutine to be perceived as the “wrong one ” right into old age .
I have seen this played out and I have seen children damaged . I should have put my time into a physical escape rather than an escape into addiction.
I need to have the courage to change the things I can – there are so many things I can start changing even right now.
It feels like I have woken up and have a new perspective
Thank you Monica – you have made me really think –
And double thank you for not passing judgement on my thoughts and feelings and deciding it’s all because I’m a “cg” and my poor martyr f&f has suffered for a few years because of it and I need to take the plank out of my own eye- I think the plank has blocked my view for decades !