I felt a strange sleepiness and shaking in my body after that last post … after feeling the truth sink in … a sense of panic and deep fear and my body trembling … i don’t know if it was withdrawal or what …
but def feels like nervous tension and fear and the feeling of wanting to cry out … crying out for the loss crying out to not let go … I’m feeling bad memories from the past pop in … coldness. I feel I’ve gotten used to that “detached feeling” from my years of life … the feeling of being taken over by something … and losing control and feeling an agitated struggle to wrestle with it from an altered state engineered by trauma …
sometimes feeling trading/markets creeping on feels just like those old things that happened creeping onto me … where I was put into another state and didn’t have control over my thoughts, memories, or body as much … my cognition was blurred into haze and fog … i felt stupid to my core … the deep deep deep emotional entrenchment in those feelings of having no control/being in a daze seem to bubble up with the urge to gamble … to feel high and entrenched in having no control.
It does feel like i have a deeper urge to plunge myself into a situation where I feel trapped/don’t have a way out and just park myself there as my life force drains out … drawn to it like a hot magnet … the feeling of being deeply attached to not having free will or control over myself is overwhelming … even before certain trauamas …
Even as a child I felt this recognition looking at characters who were strapped/tied down being tortured or trapped … i felt this ‘i can’t breathe’ feeling and felt like i was them …
intellectually it feels like a fake identity, but emotionally i feel this strong “that’s me” with all of it… my emotions say “oh yes, that’s me” to tied up character who can’t move. Intellectually I’ve been digging/shifting very slowly away from this over time, but that deep core that holds on is stubborn … it’s this feeling of “i know i can make my own plans and do what i want within reason, but how do i know i’m free?” …
My heart and emotions feel like they’re slowly melting/changing into a deeper embrace of freedom and making free choices…. too slow though.
It seems those are the very feelings I go through when i trade/gamble or feel the urge creeping on