Hi BL, I can really sympathize with your current feelings. In the past I have been through all these too and the other day i slipped back into these feelings for a couple of days and it was awful.
The way I deal with things is first and foremost I make sure I am protected financially this minimizes the stress as I now even if the worse did happen I would at least be secure. I also see a counselor who is great not only for putting things in perspective but to help me to work on myself and become a stronger in myself and better able to cope with my own feelings. As for the past it can never be made up for but by focusing on it too much it can come and spoil the present so I started off this period of recovery with a clean slate, I am building our relationship from today one day at a time. I say to myself he didnt gamble yester day, he didn’t gamble today so there is no reason to believe he will gamble tomorrow.
Its hard to put the past behind us and learn to trust again but it is essential to our recovery in the same way that a gambler has to accept that the money they lost is gone and he can’t win it back we have to accept that the time we spent during the addiction is gone and we can’t make them make that up to us, we can only be thankful that things have turned around and each day gamble free and with a partner who is able to fully engage is a bonus. Over time those one days will build into a block of time that we will have that has been good and positive and gamble free. Worrying never stopped someone from gambling so it is a waste of time better to spend time engaging in your own life and the things you enjoy.
I am glad you are reaching out to a suitable counselor and I am sure that will help enormously. There are also groups such as Gamon which you can go to for support from other family members as well as here of course. Be kind to yourself and live in the now taking one day at a time, Lily x