Dear dairy
One more time, I have received what I gave away again.
I have to organize and email some step work material to someone, and I get to read my notes again, and it increases my awareness.
I was very appreciative of this benefit. This awareness can warn and tell me I am falling sick to my addiction, whether my addiction is manifesting itself.
Lately the signs are there:
What was it like?
My mind was obsessed with a gamble, the thought is replaying itself constantly in my head, I was so preoccupied and analyzing the gamble obsessively. This urge will normally go away only after I gamble.
If my brakes is not working and my awareness is low, I am likely to be very compulsive and go ahead.
This obsessive thought has happen in the last two days
What happen?
I did not want to be sick again, if I gamble a few times in a row, I know I will not be able to stop at will. I must not give in and listen to this thought.
In the end, I choose not to gamble. I watch a movie online instead, the movie manage to distract me, I did not finish the movie, I fell asleep soon after.
What was it like now?
It is not about whether I miss a winning or losing gamble after the result was out, the focus is on recovering from a sickness where I cannot stop gambling at will.
I need to practice, practice and more practice. The more I practice, the better I am at it in not acting out my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts.
Before I am half way there in recovery, I am sure I will find a new peace and freedom mention in the promises.
