Thanks Velvet for your help.
As if my head wasn’t fuzzy enough, who do I bump into today at the shops. Yeah my ex and I am at one of my most vulnerable times as I had been to the dentist and needed an injection (my biggest fear is needles and I even got through child birth without them). Not only does the first jag not work, but I need another and I am a grown woman crying on the dentists chair as I face my biggest fear.
When I meet my ex and he asks if I want to talk, I say yes and what a mistake as I end up listening as he goes on about himself.
He talks about the support he is getting and how he has ‘broken down’ and how he listened to a woman from gamanon cry in front of others as she spoke about her marriage to her husband crumbling but how she knew he was very unwell so she stood beside him and helped him through it. He said thats what marriage is about.
I told him some marriages also break up because there is no trust left and it wasn’t just gambling in our relationship, there was drink and then he admitted to taking drugs too. He seems to have minimised these parts.
He then went on to say how I wasn’t perfect in our marriage. I never said I was but i have never betrayed him, lied, cheated with the bookies, stole, frightened our kids and been so selfish that I thought the world revolved around me.
Why is he making me doubt myself? He also talks about me being over protective with our daughter and that I should just allow her to see him. She’s not ready and it’s not going to happen just now.
I came away thinking, why on earth did I speak to him. On Monday he was saying he was going to call my work on me and now Im having a coffee with him (well he is having a cuppa because I have a swollen mouth with the big bad jags I got)
My head tells me differently from my heart and just as I think I am feeling sorry for him, the anger comes back as he gives me self doubt and takes away some of my strength that I have been trying hard to keep.
One good thing at least was that I got my house key back and that is a relief but he has made me feel sad again today.
I tell myself that he is only interested in himself just now. He hardly asked me about the dentist and he doesn’t want to listen to how hurt we are. How can he as then he has to accept that he caused it and how can you look in the mirror every day and like what you see if you are someone who has tore your wife and children’s worlds apart because you choose to place another bet, knowing that it would spiral out of control yet not making the choice to seek help from GA friends or the many other supports around . I am realising that an addicts world is a selfish world and that it only takes from you, it doesnt give anything back.
All I needed was a few kind words from him today and I couldnt even get that.
I always used to tell myself that I should never expect things from someone because if you expect someone to do something and they don’t then you feel let down but it is better to have hope because if you hope they do something and don’t , then you are not as disappointed. I guess I don’t even have hope with regards to my ex just now but I do have hope that my world will not always feel like this and that I will heal and my children will too.
I have had 3 bad days this week , out of 4 and its because of contact with him.
They say in life you shouldnt have any regrets but I ask myself why did i ever marry him?My wee dad told me he would gamble again but I didnt listen. But the past is the past and I have to look forward, not back, because for now, it really is one day at a time.
And for now, his addiction is still having an effect. I have to not let it and to not listen to his words as making me doubt myself is not what I need .
I am still no further forward with a loan application as my local citizens advice bureau give me conflicting advice.One person said my address would affect applications and another said it wouldn’t as it was only your personal credit rating that would be in question.not the address.
I will revisit that one tomorrow. I have done enough today.
I just want to fast forward the months and be strong and me again. Why on earth did I marry an addict?