Mixed emotions today, frustrated that I fell off the wagon within the first week and at the same time relieved that I managed to cash out in time- normally would have waited for the massive hit or put more than I’m will to lose chasing it. The good thing is that my credit is so bad, I haven’t been able to get any over the last 6 years and my wages go into my wife’s account to pay the bills- she let me keep my bonus at Christmas which is a mixed blessing.
My previous attempts at giving up when things was at its worst only lasted 2 years “re-triggered when my b*****d boss decided that I had to taxi him and his guests to a casino when he knew I had a problem “ but at the end of the day, I had the choice not to gamble again but failed. Recently speaking my best abstinence was 2 weeks when I was on holiday with the family, oddly enough there was no urge because my time was being occupied with other enjoyable pursuits. In normal life, there is a conflict of schedules and we only see each other for a few hours a week leaving a lot of alone time to get up to no good, and the time we are together we’re all too tired to make any beneficial connection.With my past record trying to confess will not be received very well to say the least and it wouldn’t be fair on them. Is this addiction just a stupid cry for attention? It doesn’t help that when I’ve not “lost it” and a trigger goes off in my head to chase a number (usually when I’ve missed it on the one spin it came in), I can be quite lucky but it only takes one session for me to unravel a lot of winning days. I don’t have a problem with gambling on anything else but roulette, I’ve realised I either don’t know enough the sport or the game is fixed in some way. With roulette, there’s the delusional part of me that thinks I can win every time and I’ve proved that I can, but since the game works on our greed, it is only a matter of time before the house gets all the money back plus a whole lot more. There’s a phrase I’ve heard use in a couple of films and depending on your viewpoint can explain why I think I can win or why it is I lose…a broken watch is right twice a day so perhaps my luck on any given day is how much I’ve bet on that number when the clock strikes versus how much I’ve lost before it does.
Anyway sharp in take of breath and try to postpone my next bet a bit longer and failing that, cash out when I’m up. I’m also conscious that these posts are taking up a lot of my time to compose (not easy telling strangers what an arse you’ve been again and again) if nothing else I’m hoping it will help to get a sense of reality plus the realisation I need to stop, to save me the anxiety of gambling if not for the money
Bye for now guys