Dear diary,
For a salaried person, the vicious cycle of addition seem to co-incide with payday, it has the perfection condition for an addiction to grow in strength.
I remember ATM – Access to gambling places, Time to go to these gambling places and Money to conduct the gambling are the outside factors. H.A.L.T – Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired are the inside factors.
Been there done that, staying clean for 29 days, only to put the toxic back into the body on the 30th day when payday arrive, then the whole cycle repeat itself for a long time. This is what addiction can do to a suffering gambling addict.
I just woke up and knew I had an escape today.
The condition was ideal and perfect for the devil of addiction to strike me today. I just finish a 12 hours shift at 8am, I was tired. Payday just passed. Today was a Sunday. There are football matches every hours. I am a sports fan, when I need a break, turning to sports is a good relief and distraction. Places to bet on these matches is everywhere, near work and home, they are everywhere .
The first thought came after work at 9 am, as I stay up and get more tired mentally, the gambling thought grew in strength and the thought keep repeating itself all the way until 5pm, it causes me great anxieties and stress today. It only stop after I slept at 5 pm.
“Obsessions are repeated thoughts, urges, or mental images that cause anxiety.”
I have some awareness of what is happening today but how did I escape? I actually ask myself why did I want to gamble?
I didn’t expect to have such strong and intense gambling thought and urge today.
I was just felt glad today that immediately soon after payday a few days back, I gave my sis 75% of my pay for this month. I didn’t leave a lot of excess cash on me.
Am I chasing the gambling loses from the past ? my excess cash is small, any potential winning from this small capital will not help, I feel that it is not about chasing lose but about other things.
Do I wish to have the extra money from the gambling win be it small or big? I ask myself, am I gambling due to my greed for more money or am I desiring to replicate the winning feeling from a winning bet.
I remember that I was telling myself that I don’t need to gamble for more money in the morning, I have enough money to last me for the rest of the month comfortably.
If I enjoy that winning feeling and like to experience it again, I acknowledge this desire, but I really do not have to do it, the risk is too high and not worth it.
I can either live with my anxiety today or be stress for the next 30 days
I was feeling very anxious to place the bet when I didn’t today but if I lost my living expenses, I will create stress for myself for the next 30 days, it is not worth it at all, it is all self-inflicted.
The last thing I do for the day at 4pm, was telling myself to follow the recovery slogan that is “to do the next right thing” which was to take a proper lunch. One thing lead to the next, after lunch, I return home to sleep at 5pm.
The anxiety and stress level was high today.
Guess this is the price I have to pay for my slip one month back, alcohol can do crazy thing to my mind and open the door to all my addictive ways, now I have to go back to step one and work on my foundation and strength to close this door again before it is push wide open for everything bad to come back into my life.
I am not a doctor, scientist or a behavioral expert, I am only a recovering addict and I only know that when I woke up after the sleep, the anxiety and stress disappear, there was no trace of it when I woke up, the strength to say no to gambling return but I was really weak earlier today.
Maybe I could have make it easier for myself and return home to sleep immediately after work but I did not have that discipline.
I need to admit my weakness and be honest about my problem.
I cannot get heal for something that is not there