this is my first post in a long time. i managed to go 175 days without gambling (maybe a few days longer but 175 was the last *****) to put it simply, it was the best 175+ days i had experienced for a long long time, my life was beginning to feel normal, my debts were in control, i had a few savings for the first time since i was 18. my thoughts of gambling were becoming longer and longer apart, THEN the worst thing happened, i got in from work, had a nap, dreamt about putting a bet on, woke up, sun was shining, i felt great AND i wanted to have bet, the urge was so bad that i it won me over, i thought that one wouldn’t hurt, that i was doing ok now and could afford to lose a small amount even though i know that i never have been nor will ever be that kind of gambler. that weekend i went on to lose somewhere near a £1000 and it lead to 4 months of the worst binge of gambling that i have ever been on. i havent been able to come here as i sold everything i owned including my phone to keep gambling, the only food i had was for the dog ( i made sure she had everything she needed ) and went days eating boiled rice, i have never been so far gone, last month i did loads of overtime, bought myself a second hand laptop, phone and was back in front with money, i was gambling and winning enough to live off and decided i had to stop while i was in front, that thought lasted all off 24hrs and have blown another £1000 over the last few days, i am now into bill money and i have enough to try and win some of it back tomorrow but i want to stop and face the music, the urge is so strong to keep going that i don’t feel in control. work is so tough at the minute though that i am starting to compare how much i lose to how many days hard work that i have blown but that makes me feel bad and i want to replace it of course by gambling. hopefully with having access to this site again i can use this journal to dampen my need to gamble. i have had a taste of what life is like not gambling and i want that life permanently
