The worst of my issues reared its ugly head yesterday and I regret to inform you of a minor slip. I had been 8 says gf and was feeling great about it when the beast that lies within – I have an anxiety disorder that seems to be hormone related hit with full force yesterday afternoon. If you suffer from panic attacks you will know the feeling, and the resulting side effects on your body can be incredibly unpleasant. I did try everything I could to let it pass. I went shopping to get plants for my elderly neighbors garden- they are both in a temporary care facility for a month and I thought it would be nice to do their garden up a bit since they both cant bend anymore. I tried to let it pass while shook g buf it only intensified until I had to run home. I did go out and spend a couple of hours in their garden in the afternoon but that didnt help. I had a nagging panic that the troubles at my work that were caused by my boss on the weekend were somehow going to come back at me. It was panic if the worst type and I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I tried the only thing I know that calms it. I felt like I had no choice at the time. My stomach was in knots and I was fighting the worst feelings that I experience- that feeling of impending doom. It comes out of nowhere and can be triggered by the smallest of things. It can last days or hours. All I know is that the resulting physical reaction to the panic became so bad a few years back that I developed food sensitivities that became anaphylactic and had to carry an epi pen for a year. My stress is very real to me and I thought that I had dealt with it. My ga is a result of trying to cope with my stress in other ways so that I could calm my body down and the food sensitivities would subside. I would gamble to ease my mind and change my thought processes. It just became another issue for me to deal with.
This morning I wake with the anxiety and the knowledge that I failed again. I’m not sure what the day will hold for me but I am pretty sure that I need to start looking for ways of changing the dynamics of work in my life. I took this demotion with the hopes that life would be become more balanced, but it has not. My schedule is all over the place as are my start times. My narcissistic ass of a boss is dragging us all down with her and I am tired of it. I will need to reassess what my job means to me and perhaps let her take the big fall on her own. No more propping her up her the sake of us all. Time to let the crap hit the floor.
