I’m not sure how much i want to post here today. Maybe I will save some things to discuss in the forum tomorrow…
Friday i had messages from CG that he was really low. blown all of his salary, gambled up to £2000 and lost it all. I spoke to him on the phone (he was drunk and he kept telling me he was going to drink himself to death and then hung up). he didnt and he was fine aside from feeling sorry for himself. he self excluded on all of his online apps.
CG turned 30 on Sunday. I went and saw him and it was actually a really nice day. I could tell he was really stressed though. He had blown all of his money. His sister kept pressuring him to go out, after all it was his 30th, and he really didnt want to. in the end he did and he was very drunk and rounding up the various members of family was like hearding drunk sheep!
The next day was very rough for everyone including myself and in hindsight i should have just left but i had said i would stay to look after his little boy on Tuesday. I chose to sleep off my hangover, CG chose hair of the dog.
I’d also found out he had been at his ex’s in the week (as i knew was starting to happen) and he had lied about it. i spoke to him about it not realising how much he had drank, because i had been outside playing football with his son.
So he started having a go at me about it. told me to leave. i didnt as his son was upset that i wasnt going to be there. We argued and he was physical before actually throwing me out of the house.
I’m so angry with myself as I am typing this. that i let myself be in that position. that i shouldnt have gone to see him at all, or i should have walked away sooner.
but now, i know that door is closed. i never need to look back. and if i have any respect for myself i never ever will do. I am done with gambling. I am done with him. The next two weeks cannot pass by quickly enough.
I’m really disappointed with myself. I’ve let myself down and i’ve come so far to then let myself fall like this. i feel weaker than i have in a long time, when i should be at my strongest. I didnt listen to the wonderful advice i have been given and ive taken an enormous step back.
Huh, turns out i posted it all after all.