Dear diary,
Day one has passed, what were my thought, feeling and action yesterday.
What do I have to be total abstinence from?
What did I learn?
Thoughts
It is one of the easier day one I will ever have. I am trying to break free from the old ways and starting a new one this year. Like all day one, there are thoughts to act out but they are not unmanageable.
The thought crossed my mind to visit a casino, sports betting outlet and massage parlor, it is natural , these are things I allow myself to do in the past.
Don’t tell me I am going to fail on my first day.
I have so many desires, practicing total abstinence from all these desires, urges and temptations will help me develop the strength and self-control I need to stay stop for the rest of the year.
Feelings
I felt some fear and anxiety yesterday. The fear comes from paying my bills, after doing that, my saving will become smaller. I am afraid I will not have enough money end of the year to carry out my plan.
When I focus on myself, I also have fear that I may lose my job and everything will fall apart
I have the money; I wanted to use the money I had to change my situation, using it to win some money to cover the bills. Not carrying out my thoughts , not taking control and feeling uncertain about things made me anxious. I experience some struggle to stay still and not do anything.
I do not have a genuine need for an expensive massage, it was just another form of acting out to fix the lousy feeling I had just like using food and alcohol.
Action
I just have to listen and trust God more and myself less. I don’t have to change anything.
I am going to give up earning easy money that I do not have to work hard for. Yes, they are a very big temptation, but I have discover that the good time from gamble is normally short. I am not gambling.
I am handing over my control to God, HE has always deliver. When I am in the driving seat, I always get into trouble, I am letting go of the steering wheel.
Look at last year, same time this year I can only wish that I could finish some repayment plans I had by end of the year, it is a dream, they normally never come true for me in the end. Ever since I start to listen and follow His words, my wish came true for the first time without the gambling and other short cuts. I will continue to have faith and trust God. I will continue to learn to let go of my self-will and seek God’s will.
Thank you God. You are the one and only almighty God who can help me to break my chain of slavery to addiction and love for money.