Hi Adele,
OMG – I agree, we can’t go there about our long lost posts 🙂 Better to make some new posts now.
Thank you so much for re-posting your original message to me! It was a great help then and a great help now.
Yes, I am still working for my organization, and you guessed correctly, it would have been a disaster for me to leave during the time I was struggling with my initial recovery. After our annual conference ended, the Board met and one of the items on the agenda was my future with them. I had a very strong champion (not my boss) who really fought for me. So once again, I was given a reprieve until the beginning of December, when they will make a further assessment on my progress. They are taking things slowly and in small steps (rightly so). But this is also a transitional moment for me because there are very good reasons for me to be looking at other options that might provide a fresh start. I’m currently at about 50% below salary median at my experience level in similar positions at larger companies in LA and San Francisco. I’ve discussed this with my boss and told him there were two ways to go if I planned to repay him and all of my creditors in a 3-5 year time frame. So, one item that needed to be considered was finding a job with a significant salary increase, or secondly, getting a 2nd job to supplement my current one, if they decide to retain me beyond December (which appears to be on track). I’ll probably need to make a move in either direction in mid-November and trying to figure out the best course of action until then. There are obviously things I need to change in my life, including those underlying issues that triggered my addiction. This is a huge opportunity to make some important and critical changes.
By the way – I am very happy to hear you’ve begun counseling with your husband – that is a very important step. If your therapist ends up being a good fit, you’ll be surprised at how much progress you’ll be able to make with professional help. Your skepticism is healthy too. I’ve heard and read horror stories, although my own experience was superb. Sounds like you are keeping an open mind, so keep up the work. Sounds promising!
When you had originally asked about how I began my therapy, I mentioned that I called the 800-GAMBLER national hotline. They are all trained to address gambling addiction. They connected me to the Call to Change program (co-run by the UCLA Gambling Studies dept.) and I was able to receive 8 one-on-one phone sessions at no cost. My program ended two weeks ago and I was surprised at how much I miss my sessions with my counselor. (Like a baby bird leaving the nest.) She gave me the option to choose from a list of local therapists for 8 more in-person sessions at no charge, but I’ve yet to follow-up. On my phone sessions, they used the UCLA pamphlet (I think you’ve mentioned maybe seeing this on the UCLA gambling studies website). I also went to local GA meetings weekly (big help the first month, less effective and helpful as time went by), and also did a ton of internet research on GA, group therapy, addiction therapy, addiction theory, etc. By the time I had gone to my 3rd GA meeting, I knew which pieces were working well for me in group and figured out what was working for me well outside of group and one-on-one therapy.
The reason I was able to get through so much of the work in that first month was due in large part to past meditation practices, training in visualization techniques, and physical/mental discipline (all through martial arts over the last 30 years). All of this stuff translated into much the same skills needed to identify triggers, formulate and follow through on self-binding techniques (all the barriers we need to create for ourselves to prevent a relapse/recurrence), creating clear goals, developing self-awareness and mindfulness, making self-corrections, and cultivating a motivated mindset. Many other vehicles like Yoga, painting, team or individual sports, music, etc., would do the trick also (although maybe some practices are certainly more effective in certain areas, like for instance, mindfulness – Buddhists have a 2,000 year tradition in active contemplation and unbroken studies of the mind, so that’s where I’ve gone to get most of my mindfulness training), but I highly recommend working through any hobby, art or sustained activity that gets to the skillsets that develop mind/body.
So for you, Adele, here’s my process in a nutshell:
1) establish a clear goal, and believe me, you won’t get to this one until you’re completely honest with yourself (see my notes below on the last bet I ever made*)
2) establish new mental models
3) identify the strongest, deepest motivation to achieve the goal (quit gambling)
*The last time I made a bet in a casino was on July 31, 2013 during an exercise to determine and prove to myself once and for all that I was still in control, or not in control, of my gambling. With a free play card of $300, and not a dime to my name, I told myself that IF I was able to walk out with at least $20 in my pocket, then I was still in control. I lost everything. Until that moment, I still believed I might be okay. But on the heels of absolute proof that I had lost control of my situation, I forced myself to sit calmly for 5 minutes as people walked by to absorb this truth. I sat there until I accepted it. I was addicted, and I couldn’t deny it. I walked out of the casino that day wanting out of that madness for good and found myself in my boss’s office the next morning. Another week later, I self-excluded from both casinos within driving distance. Long and drawn out discussions rarely take place in my head. Once the goal to QUIT was established, the only thing left to do was to figure out how.
During my research the first two weeks, I also went through a ton of Psychology Today articles on addiction. I probably started with this one: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/addiction-pay-attention
I also found some really devastating stories in a darker, grittier publication called The Fix:
http://thefix.com/search/site/gambling
If you ever get to the contending arguments on disease based theories of addiction, these were two articles I found helpful:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/addicted-brains/201205/addiction-disease-or-not
http://www.thefix.com/content/addiction-DSM-5-diagnosis-brain-disease-compulsion8091
I may not get back to posting for a few days so I threw in as many references I could and hopefully it improves upon our earlier thread.
Have a great weekend!
– S