I depended on God for my harvest everyday and was doing the same old familiar job differently now, the result was fantastic!
After more than 6 weeks, I have learnt new ways how to deal with the demand, stress and pressure from my job in a more positive and healthy way. I depended more on God and less on myself. I change.
The usual triggers that I get from the same work I do for many years are disappearing but now another old enemy has come.
When I fall sick, I become impatient, restless and anxious to do something, I could not be still and do nothing.
Did I panic? or was it more impatient?
Either way, the result was the same, I become less mindful of my situation as a result.
It was all about staying calm and doing nothing until the storm has passed. It was about being mindful and at peace with self and doing nothing in the middle of the storm. It become harder when I was suffering from sickness, I could not do it and self destructed; I pressed the self destructive button, and quit total abstinent.
I understand why I do it but I don’t understand why I did not look at the heavy consequences before doing it.
It does not made any sense, I can only use stupidity and insanity to describe my actions. The price is very heavy!
This problem is not going to go away.
As I grow older, I will experience more ailments associated with old age, this problem can only get more and more serious. I am sure it will affect how I think and feel.
I need to learn how and prepare for the days when I was sick and not seek self medication or relief from alcohol and gambling.
I had a strange feeling suddenly, that this is going to be a year where I am going to dedicate a year to seriously work myself in recovery. I need help and feel that I am not ready to help anyone now.
