Thanks again for your comments RG and I was hoping that by finishing up the backyard I would have a sanctuary to retreat to. Have to wait for the weather to get better though…. Its funny but I work with people all day long so I am a bit if a recluse when it comes to my day off. I dont even like to talk to my neighbors. I am holding firm to the bad feelings I got when I tried to self exclude from the online casino and they put me off. Am I really that transparent that they know by ignoring my request for a day that I will be back? How pathetic am I? I used to think that I was a strong person and that I could do anything that I put my mind to, but now I realize that I only stopped indulging in negative behaviors when they no longer provided me with what I needed. I am an extreme impulse junky. It makes me fun and a bit unpredictable, which makes me a hoot to be around, but it has wreaked havoc on my personal life for as long as I can remember. I dont remember doing anything in the traditional sort of manner.
I suppose the CAMH is an alternative to what I have been doing but my biggest fear is that someone in my family will find out. I have no support system as of yet and I havent told anyone that I have a problem. I dont know if that is because I dont want them to look at me differently or that I dont want anyone to try to stop me. I think the latter is probably the biggest fear. I dont go to casinos because of two reasons. Firstly, because I have to travel a total of 4 hours to and from and I hate the long ride home with all of the regret. Secondly, I am sensitive to light sound and smell. People too. I dont find the atmosphere to be one of enjoyment. It might be better if I could find a place where there is hardly any people in it but my locals are busy. Too much noise because people cant turn there machines down. The lights from the machines are enough to bring on a seizure. People wear too much perfume and cologne or they smell of cigarettes or need to shower. And of course there is the sad people. People betting 10 cents or less. People slapping the buttons to try to affect the outcome. Elderly people wandering aimlessly. People that have lost it all and walking around with that look of despair. It’s a reality check in there and it ruins what little enjoyment I have while I’m there. Perhaps that is a good thing. I only go a few times a year with my family and dont have to worry too much about avoiding them when I go elsewhere. It’s the online ease that I am trying to avoid and will continue to do so until the pathway to my pleasure center learns to crave something else. I hope you are well and that you are finding strength in your success. One step forward gets you one step closer to who you want to be. I am trying to remember that every morning when I want to pick up the computer and play mindlessly for hours. Thanks and have a great weekend.