I live in London, i’m English but just moved back from living 10 years plus in Asia after my Mum passed away last year and I thought I would be nearer my Dad who had to go into care.
I started gambling on fruit machines at 13. We used to go into the city centre and drink cider in the cinema and I would end up staying on to play fruit machines alone. First gut wrenching feeling was wiping out my then 40 UKP bank account at that age, which i had saved from paper rounds, car washing etc. I used to be have a lot of business ideas, but gradually due to drinking and gambling less so – or at least less confident about the results. First time i had a suicidal feeling was at universuty aged 18 in London. I was on a grant of 1000UKP a term. I was winning 270. Hit a bad run and ending up losing it and my last 250 for the term. I had now moved onto casinos (BJ). I was staying on a 17 th floor and thought I would like to jump. I was nowhere near doing it, but remember the feeling. (At first i played cautiously and did pretty well, but it was like working 6 hours to win 50 quid. So i gradually started just playing for the excitement. )
Things progressed as I started earning decent money after university. All through uni i spent vast amounts of time in the bookies. Football horses cards. Let me say quite a few friends gambled, but not as much as regularly or as destructively. The drinking is not the cause of my gambling but sometimes i get drunk and lose or win, and sometime get blind drunk to stop the sick feeling when I have screwed up again.
I lost monthly salary numerous times and had debts left, right and centre. Left the UK to travel with a decent month’s commission and went around the world for 10 months. Got stranded in last vegas and had to work in a backpackers to get out of there. Lost money in vegas, aus and nz. Constantly borrowing from friends and family. Now people were starting to lose patience with me. Some sickening losses – 1700 USD in vegas leaving me with $3 and no cards. I had counselling on return to UK CBT and it was successful to a large degree, worked in Saudi and hardly gambled. Eventually ended up in Asia. I was earning very good money in Thailand. (100k a year, some years). Every month I was broke! How was that possible. I used to play at work out of work etc…on and on. 2000 pounds in front of my girlfriend in 10 mins on virtual horses! SHE worked in a hotel for 500 quid month, so it didnt make her feel too good. I lost the job due to drinking and had 50K USD leaving commission, which would have paid off my small house i had bought there. Instead i lost it in my parents living room 6,500UKP one day to ladbrokes in a day and on several other days. Trying to hide the complete overwhelming sickness when people who care just feet away.
This all culminates with me selling a house my friend had sent me month to buy and losing 100,000 UKP of his money on online currency trading in about 2 weeks. I could not get it transferred out of the country and it was sat in my account and once I lost my own money I started on the 100K to try and win my losses back. It quickly escalated He is still speaking to me, but is that to make sure he gets some thing back?
Lost several more jobs. Scrounged disgracefully off my parents and about 6 months before my Mum’s death effectively stole 6k from her online back. Siblings found out after i had to own up. This caused lots of problems with them though things are now ok with them. They know I am pretty sick. Since then I have gambled off and on wiht month to month salary. I am either to broke to socialise or too miserable or tense after losses, but also have few friends now in London and for example was goung to try and do a social group tonight but have just lost 50 of my last 150, so now I have no desire to speak to people.
When I came to London last year, I applied to a gambling therapy through the NHS. I had an assessment about 5 months later. They still havent given me an appointment. So I have accepted my problem years ago. It is finishing it that it the problem. I feel let down by that service as I have lost 10-15k in the time i have been waiting. 40K of credot card debt was written off prior to 2013, but now I have overdraft I have never had savings since i was 13. Sorry this is so long………! It doesn’t even describe how I feel, which is sick, a failure, stressed, like I have wasted my life (im 43) amd still I keep doing it.