Thanks jenny for your advice re the credit report. Thats a good idea and one that I will check. My bank have agreed in principle to give me a loan so fingers crossed that I can sort out my finances with their help. Not the best rate but I am too scared to apply for a loan and get told No. My ex has caused that.
You were also right Jenny about him not being in recovery. He has gambled again, 600 pounds this weekend and I know because he told me. His parents are away on holiday and he has no food or any other help until his parents get back.So what do I do, cry a lot as I am about to help the man who has caused me to doubt myself, took away some of my confidence, made me feel bad, hurt me, caused me to be anxious, angry and really sad and also treated me children in a horrible way by making them scared and not having any care towards them or me. So what do I do? I buy him food.
I dont get it and I really struggle with doing this so I contact the helpline today to talk it over as I dont know what to do. I dont want him to think I am going to be there to help him out or bail him out, yet I am worried that he wont have any food. Did he worry about me and my kids when he stole my bank card and cleared out my account. No because I would sort it and have friends and close family that can help me so why on earth am I being nice to him?
Because I still love him? of course i do and I dont want to. It hurts too much. all of this.
I have been off my work for several months now because my gp knows I am stressed and I cry a lot. I told myself that I wouldnt have any contact with him so I could recover and then what do I do, meet him and listen as he tells me again that he has gambled. He then says he doesn’t want to anymore. That he cant handle having money as he knows he will spend it. That gambling is going to kill him. He goes on to say that he also needs to attend AA as he doesnt want to drink and when I meet him he hands me alcohol saying he doesnt want this around him. Thats a first. I tell him I wont ever help him out again. I cant. I talk about how im not coping that great and his response is that he is sorry and none of this was my fault.
I wonder if he is being nice because he has lost again and would it be different if his parents were not on holiday. What does it matter . All I know is how I feel and its been another tearful day.
I had to speak with my manager today also and I hate that. I hate that I am off work. I feel like I should be there but I work in a very stressful job with people who are abused and I am not emotionally strong right now to deal with that. I hate my ex for his addiction impacting on my job. My work have offered me counselling.
I feel today that I am keeping my hurt going as I should have no contact with him, where has my strength gone?
I know what I need to do. Its doing it thats the hardest bit but If I dont look after me, then the addiction has won.
Im crying as I write this .
I just miss him, hate him, love him, wish I had never met him, feel let down by him and know that I will never trust him again. I do have to remember though that I trust me. I trust me to get through this, to be a good role model to my children , to carry on and get back to work and to keep talking about all these thoughts because its too hard to keep them to myself.
Moving on is difficult but living with an addict is even worse.